massive day, fonz picked me up and we went to his sick little local skatepark and shredded for 5 hours, couple of really good slams my knee is swole my feet are on fire but landed some gangsta shit I haven’t skated in years, i won the kickflip competition by a mile, no one else landed one. surfies shuvits 5-0 and 5050 stalls and the longest boardslide of my life on this cute little curb I ate shit a bunch of times but so so worth it, so immensely satisfying, but it’s right across the road from the royal air force base, 3x C130s just parked, then I hear one start up so I sprint across the road and find a gap in the trees, all props going and lights flashing, im absolutely frothing like GO MATE GO SEND IT but they powered down, would have been the perfect day to see one of those big dogs take off. but homie was like, wheres he going does he need a toilet or something? hope he doesn’t jump the fence. haha last thing I need is a felony. made friends with a little jumping spider who landed on my shirt, really appreciating the little things. going to hit the pool tomorrow before class and try cut back down on the cigs again. ive had layla by clapton in my head all day so im going to go jam, have a great day all x

congrats, day 10 here you are not alone :)

here’s a better one, she’s nearly 4 and I want to have puppies soon ish

I didn’t take any new ones cause this phone cameras so shit

evening all, had a great day never done so much exercise, hit the pool for the first time in years only 5 laps, nearly died gotta quit smoking. then ben the music therapist rocks up, brought a tongue drum which was fun as fk only got a minute to play and the nurse said, davie your mum’s down at reception so I bolt down the hallway and stairs across the courtyard rip open the door and big long happy tears hug, we go out and dad’s standing there with muffin and she went beserk licking my face, cuddles and paw prints on my clean white shirt which I refuse to wash or take off cause they make me happy to look at. there’s a communal dog toy in the courtyard so I ran back and grabbed that, she had it in 3 pieces in half an hour omg pumpkin that doesn’t belong to you. she’s a very good girl sometimes. I couldn’t keep my skateboard at the ward so I sprint back to the ward tell the nurses were heading out back in about 2hrs, sprint back again fucking dying but not stopping I was so hyped. went to fonzys dropped off the board grabbed lunch and more fetch at the park. saw some horse nerds playing polo that was, unique. it was really tough seeing her little face out the window looking back at me when they drove off, but she’s very proud of her new and improved dad.

oh and mum picked up my higher power necklace i only wear it when I’m sober, so it hasn’t been worn much it’s a kiwi jade fish hook and it keeps me safe. having a shit time I hold on to it. having a good time I hold on to it. just chilling I hold on to it. story goes maui made a fish hook from his grandmothers jawbone and used it to pull up a fish so big it became the north island of new zealand. felt empty and alone without it, now I feel complete

fonz is picking me up tomorrow early and we’re going to skate for 8hrs and be back in time for AA at 4. very keen. double digits tomorrow, im really kicking goals over here guys, and I fkn love checking in here, such a tight lil community and if anyone wants to talk about anything im happy to. hope you all had as good of a day as I did. take care

I do not have a choice it’s going to be a great weekend, you too :) was refreshing lemmy like crazy so hyped to check in and update you lovely people

major update, 20min before the meeting the old chair came up to me and asked for a chat, of course, how bout we put all this behind us, become mates again I said absolutely I apologize and he apologized, we hugged and he complemented me on my guitar playing, I said I miss his company, I asked for the letters I wrote to him back so I could burn them but he understandably tore them up. I invited him to the meeting he declined but said monday for sure. THEN just before started the young lady who said she’d never attend another meeting again I saw her walking up the hallway towards us and my heart just swelled up and I was like FUCK yes welcome back. we lost 2 members and gained them back.

we really nailed step 8 and 9, but not promptly enough but that’s ok addiction is about making mistakes.

oh and the day ended with the most vivid rainbow ive ever seen. such a rollercoaster.

15 hours til muffin gets here ! she’s going to flip and be so proud of her new and improved daddy, mums going to film her lil yippy freakout HELLO DAD I MISSED YOU THROW THE BALL I’ll put it on youtube for you guys

day 8, still in ptsd rehab land so trigger warning trauma I won’t go into detail but okie dokie buckle up gang today was ROUGH. I’ve been up since 3am and so was chris, a combat vet, 14 years of service seen all kinds of horrible horrible things. we sat and drank coffee and talked guns and combat all morning, he felt he could open up to me cause he lives and breathes music, always got headphones in, and yesterday I found the ward guitar I was literally unable to put it down I played all day after not playing for over a year, anyway he really enjoyed it and thanked me because he was having a prick of a day and my guitar playing really cooled him off which, made me feel incredible and overwhelmed I’ve only ever played for myself I never thought I could help anyone with it, that alone made me cry. anyway after he shared a very fucked up story, friendly helicopter crash, 7 deaths 10m away from him, I said “holy shit dude I met the devil when I was a child but you have been through hell and back”, he said something along the lines of “don’t ever say that, trauma is trauma (he put his hand on my heart) it’s about what’s in here and what we do next that counts” which was so validating and I just fucking crumbled guys like found a quiet spot and just bawled my eyes out realising how much work I’ve gotta do because I’ve been avoiding it for the last 15 years getting blind every day, it didn’t take long for michael and the nurses to find me, into the consult room with a psyche, we talked and I forgot/relearned the golden rule of not comparing trauma. went for a long walk chainsmoking found a secluded area way up the back of the carpark and screamed FUUUUUCK as loud as I could a few times, people heard but I didn’t care. i saw an empty beer bottle in the long grass and I instantly took a step towards it to check if there was any left and stopped myself almost instantly which is FANTASTIC FUCK YEAH cause yucky, anyway I smoked all my cigs and went back to the ward, stood in the hot shower for about half an hour, made a coffee, got some nicotine gum and 10mg diazepam from the nurses and found another quiet secluded corner to watch the rain coming over the mountains (the view here is phenomenal) and just cried thinking about how much hard work ive gotta do, I hear footsteps so I huddle up further so I don’t get seen, the footsteps stop, I start to panic and then I just hear the gnarliest loudest wet fart ive ever heard in my life and I absolutely lost my shit laughing, said fucking NICE and I just hear this deadpan flat

“thanks”

which made me laugh so much harder im losing my shit laughing just writing this omg. rollercoaster day. im ok now much calmer and fresh cigs.

im learning so much and finally having emotions that aren’t just, fury, sickness and occasional ecstasy of using.

ward AA tonight, the old chair quit and won’t be attending because he interrupted a share and she stormed out in tears which pissed everyone off so we lost two members which is devastating cause the program has really helped me and I want it to help others but there’s no changing their minds.

hope we all have a great day, lots of love and take care of ourselves ❤️

the little faces awwwwww I love her what a good girl

thankyou very very much I was worried about oversharing but avoiding triggering people, there’s no such thing. another shit sleep and nightmares, 3.5hrs but that’s ok I want to continue copying down the big book word for word making sure it sticks, almost finished the entire first chapter. curse you 3am! it is absolutely torture and can ruin your entire day. I wrote like 3 words yesterday cause I just could not put down the guitar, hadn’t picked it up all year. curse you depression, sucking the joy out of everything I enjoy

but it helps me too to go back through and read what this horrible journey involves, I’ll write all this down too as sort of a detox diary.

so good to hear congrats and welcome back

thanks ! see u tomorrow!

1 week today!!! finally got a good sleep! pink cloud has officially begun. finally saw and patted a 7mo service dog in training without breaking into tears, helped an older lady struggling to get her walker down the curb and finally ate something substantial for the first time in 3 days, u can order as many times as you want from the kitchen so I ate 3 chicken parmys, I feel pregnant aye. kicking goals. ward AA tomorrow, not hyped cause the host is toxic but I’ll go anyway just to see if he shares the exact same story word for word again I’ll probably walk out. real AA on sunday, very keen. I got 8 hours leave each day this wknd and my parents are coming up 400kms with muffin but it’s supposed to rain all wknd but I could lie down in the wet grass and even that couldn’t dampen my spirits. hope you all have an excellent day.

LFG

heck yes congrats !!!

thankyou so much! I do have this, and this too shall pass I need that tattooed on my hand.

how dark it is before the dawn!

welcome back friend, no need to apologise

my chubby bubby

6 days, 18hrs. 2 possibly 3 more weeks of rehab. had my first proper meltdown this morning, mostly due to insomnia, medications having zero effect and zero appetite/brutal nightmares from cannabis wds. crying having a cig I saw a couple walking a labrador that looked exactly like my old bob, bawled harder finally decided to run after them “excuse me please im so sorry but im having a meltdown can I please pat your dog? yes of course her name is cassie, are you ok is there anything we can do? would you like us to walk you back to the nurses?” while im just giving this super friendly dog all the love for about 3mins. im tearing up just writing this, “thankyou no I’ll be ok I just have to call my sponsor” so I spent half an hour on the phone to my sponsor then my mum, chain smoked and deep breathing til I finally calmed down enough to go back to the ward and ask them for help, I turn the corner into the hallway and there’s a black lab. that absolutely broke me I just dropped to my knees and started bawling twice as hard I miss my muffin so bad. another patient grabbed my arm and took me to a quiet room and got a nurse cause I was in extreme distress, I feel such shame and guilt that I kept choosing my addiction over my pets. they’re well looked after at my parents.

everyone’s so nice and helpful guys fr im so grateful,

GOOD NEWS on saturday my parents are driving the 400kms to bring her for a visit. a whole bunch of patients just had pet show and tell, showing photos and videos and they can’t wait to meet her.

it’s going to hurt so bad when they’ll have to leave but what im doing is so worth it so I can be there for my muffin and cuba.