Sorry everything I write is the worst kind of venting monologue, something brainworms. Why am I awake at 4am.
I really wish that the desire for socialisation was not a natural part of being human because socialisation causes me brain damage now and has done for a long time. I’m a serial message deleter, I will comb back over messages and conversations and wondering what subtexts and implied meanings I have missed, in what ways I have unknowingly jammed my foot in my mouth. If I’m lucky it becomes obvious days or weeks or months, or even years later, and I get to feel fucking mortified about it. I refuse to keep putting myself through that.
So I wish my brain would stop feeling lonely and shitty and sad and desiring to talk to people about stuff. I barely even have the means now anyway, I have no idea where to find servers or groups or whatever else to talk in, and no I will not try to go out into the real world and talk to people. That seems like a really atrocious idea, I can barely manage speaking any of what pops into my brain irl, it just becomes painful and stilted script following. Plus, where do you even find opportunities like that? Fuck putting myself into new and scary situations that might not even benefit me.
In many ways I actually really regret doing the digging-around about autism. I miss the blissful unawareness I had; I used to just think things were fine, or if they obviously weren’t people were just being weird, people were just weird sometimes. That’s the correct mindset, because fuck neurotypical social rules obviously. I knew (know? idk) someone who told me just that, but since the NT rules are the assumed ground rules, I always find myself checking for what I missed. Sitting with the vague and unhelpful notion that I said or did something wrong. This is the part of being a person that I despise.
Also using semicolons is cringe, I’m pretty sure I don’t even use them right.
This is probably the single most unhinged thing I’ve ever put on this website, but people have told me not to self censor and delete shit instead of posting it. I’m always losing that battle but I still have to try.
BONUS POINTS EDIT:
This is so stupid it’s embarrassing but also as I started leaning all the way left I’ve basically alienated everybody I know. I’ve leaned pretty far left for my entire adult life and longer, but I didn’t have a coherent framework or lens through which to view the world and make anything make sense.
My wife introduced me to hexbear and the discovery of political theory, of coherent leftist politics, basically busted my brain. There were a good few weeks where I was literally incapable of seeing people bitch about rising prices or rent or stuff and not going “workers of the world death to the bourgeousie” etc etc etc, infantile disorder. My favourite place to do it was in and around that one stupid lib-ass queer discord I talked in, which was fun, they had to make a rule against it.
The worst part was when I did it in a group chat I’d been invited to by two girls who apparently thought I was okay. For a few months it was cool and it almost seemed like I had friends for a bit. But 1) I made the mistake of going on an insane rant when one of them did a “haha korea great leader” joke, and I left that chat afterword. 2) After that I realised that I’d been putting in the majority of the relationship effort, i.e. was always the one starting conversations with people, and having to bug people to follow up so we could talk again. I decided right then that I was gonna start leaving people on read, and wait for them to message me, just once.
The majority never did, and the few times anyone did I flipped out and went on more rants which honestly was probably some kind of defense mechanism. But the other girl from that chat, not the dumb korea jokes one but the other one, who was really into internet fic, she literally just has never messaged me again which honestly still kind of hurts. She’s also disappeared completely from that server and I wonder if I did something so wrong somewhere that she just quit discord. Obviously all that has caused a decent bunch of psychic damage regarding talking to people, yay. I also haven’t even really talked to my family since I became the most unhinged & useless online commie. I suspect it will go poorly, Idk.
Hey comrade, when i read a few paragraphs in i started looking for this self-realization. Good. This is an important step. You and i are going thru something similar.
Part of what you’re feeling is (from what I’ve read) typical of new commies. If it’s not, it is my experience. Apologies if you already understood this.
When i first discovered communism, it was just like when i was a kid learning to read. You remember how the words you knew jumped right out of the world without your even trying to find them?
You’ve probably been looking for answers for years, now all of a sudden shit makes sense. You have a framework of understanding that fits.
Except you just learned just how absolutely positootely fuuuuucked the world is. That’s… really not fun. The platitudes your friends/coworkers/family use to soothe themselves don’t work for you anymore.
Slowly you start to notice the chains binding you. Only you see that you are not free, and as you struggle in them, and try to tell the people around you that they are chained they look at you like you’re the crazy one.
Not only are you struggling with that craggy chestnut, you have just come to understand youre not neurotypical. I am also on the spectrum, and i deal with increasingly debilitating anxiety and depression. Also i recently discovered i was asexual.
Learning all these things together, in rapid succession has made my brain feel like it is on fire some days. The worst days (days long past thank jebus) i remember having trouble keeping my head up. I mean literally it felt like a strong hand was pressing down on the back of my skull.
And so we come to self-hatred. I too
struggledam currently struggling with this. When i didn’t know i was “different” i could at least chalk up my self-hate as a symptom of my depression. Now armed with new information the self-hating guy in my brain (truly the hardest working motherfucker in the building) had a new tactic: Telling me that my asexuality was an evolutionary response to not having genes worth passing on. Maybe that sounds dumb but he was really convincing.Thankfully i found trans subs on reddit and then hexbear. I found trans people to be so brave and cool compared to me. These people weren’t even born in the right body! They can’t hide and mask like me! They have felt more wrong for longer, dealt with so much more, will face so much more than me just trying to live! I love em, my cute/handsome friends. They give me hope that i too can change, that i can see despair and laugh anyway. After all, what does a coward like me have to fear coming out to his friends and family (tho i do anyway, a lot)?
Oops im rambling about shit i shouldn’t, probably putting my foot in my mouth. I… Just really want you to know you’re loved and tell you that I’m the same. I betcha a bunch of us misfits are. I would love for you to get a bit of benefits from this ranlmble of mine, because believe it or not, knowing you are struggling the same way i am makes me feel just a bit better.
We’re gonna make it.
Thankfully I have known I am not neurotypical for several years, thankful for that. NT is for nerds, even if I’m really bad at talking. Also hey, asexual gang!!! It’s Fun®!
Otherwise though, yes. It’s been like putting on the glasses from They Live
and noticing all of the OBEY signs everywhere. All out of bubblegum…
You might be utterly shocked to hear that I don’t actually hate myself though! I resent having social difficulties and the asexuality thing can be difficult at times, but I genuinely wouldn’t wanna be neurotypical, or straight or cis. Or allosexual actually because allosexuals are weird :| I promise being trans is not as amazing as you make it sound, but thanks as well. I actually really miss having trans communities, I ducked out of old reddit/4chan ones for being hypersexual and self hating, respectively. I miss my people though, and hexbear is all I got left.
This is a FOOT IN MOUTH ZONE so no worries! I really appreciate you (and every one else of course) replying to this thing, and I’m glad(?) to know I’m not the only one feeling this. Hexbear has neat weird people, which is very cool.
Surprised for sure, but more happy than anything… Guess i was projecting my own self-hate. I only recently accepted i’m a card carrying Ace, like 6 months ago. Heck, you might be the first person i expressly came out to on the 'bear. I read that it is not unusual for people to have to start venting a lot of internalized homophobia and i suppose im on that journey? I dunno but it’s a weird fucking trip I’m on.
Speaking of They Live, i recently rewatched it. During the meeting of the aliens they projected total takeover in 2024 iirc. Crazy coincidence huh? Damn that movie was prescient as hell.
Edit I’m so glad i mentioned it now, we can eat garlic bread and stuff! I also have a ton of burning questions about it
Yeah I have problems with me but I’m rad actually no big
also Nice, my ace realisation is about a year old now, but I’ve been dealing with the stuff around it since I was like 15. Grats to maybe your first express 'bear coming out!! 
Not unusual or surprising, I spent like five straight years digging through the guts of all the queerphobia I’d gathered from 4channel. Still find lil bits of it in my brain even…
I had forgotten that, would be a lot simpler if the explanation for 2024 was just aliens. I love They Live, “Figures it’d be something like this!” goated.
You can ask me questions and eat garlic bread, I know an acceptable amount of stuff at least.