Reading philosophy has helped with those sorts of questions but I think what I actually need is to go outside and engage with my community and politics. Volunteer work and the like. I am unfortunately well aware that I am seeking a quick fix over long term solutions and there’s a lot of guilt tied into that. I struggle with knowing that I engage in the spectacle daily simply as a way to cope with the status quo.

On days where I am really struggling with those thoughts I will turn to learning about marxism and history because it gives the illusion of action but I am still intellectual aware that, while I am improving myself, I am also using these ultimately entertaining forms of education as a medicine for a disease only real praxis can cure.

Yet I am still unable to make that leap. I always have some excuse, some reason I just don’t have the time or energy to act. I feel as though I need to train myself to have the patience for the long term reward. Perhaps meditation could be useful to this end.

Maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself though. Growing up in a society that prioritizes the short term will do this even to someone who is neurotypical and self hate hasn’t worked as a great motivator thus far.

I should definitely spend less time thinking and more time doing. I just really struggle with starting the doing.

Sorry if this is unrelated or doesn’t really have a line of reasoning. I just needed to say words