Tldr:

Feel anxious and conflicted on persuing something I enjoy and sharing it and then feeling that I will ultimately go nowhere with it as I have in all likelihood developed learnt helplessness

End tldr

I want to write this as I am feeling anxiety over a a post I just made and the way I try and control it is to try and internalise and rationalise it.

One of the branches of the decrepit tree ahead:

My life it has been dotted with moments where I am ridiculed, taken advantage of or shown disdain, included in that is a poor self image and my insistence on maintaining integrity being seen as bad . In all those moments I have turned to video games to cope. I have tried to improve myself and I have made progress in some areas but still I am stuck in this very negative loop not going anywhere.

Currently I am disenfranchised in looking for work as my prospects continue to dwindle as I have all but abadoned my studied field as every attempt has been met with either disinterest or comments that make me feel I made a mistake in studying the field I did and the work I did find leads to dead ends as the culture of business in my country ensures that I will never advance in any established business by series of government incentive and without some element of nepotism.

I do not see a future in any work except maybe being some low level grunt whose work drive gets taken advantage of and exploited. Added to that I am stuck with student debt that just accrues interest.

For reference unemployment in my country from the latest I could find is 32,7 % of which I am on paper the least desirable work demographic. When really trying to think of something, the only avenue I see is self employment, however the only thing I feel confident in is video games.

I have been complemented on potential salesmen acumen which was harshly suppressed in the retail job I used to work in as wasting time… Retail - I just could not take that environment as the company was like a toad in boling water placing more and more responsibility on my shoulders and then expecting an ever increasing higher standard while it took every opportunity to minimize costs- it expects a robot and that is the one thing I have been trying to avoid becoming

Sidetracked aside

And thus I get to the point of the story, I really want to make video game videos. I know it is a dead end as well to want to make a living in such a saturated market, and still I just want to make it more as an expression and possibly a stepping stone to share what I enjoy.

It is only thing I seem to take pride in that hasn’t been taken advantage of( I guess it is a mental protective bubble)

However just asking for help on another instance gave me anxiety, ultimately I would love to make something from it but it really isn’t the greatest motivating factor. I fear that what I would put out would be rubbish and waste my time and thus add on top my existing failure of not making anything of myself, made worse that I could spiral out that even something that I enjoy would be worthless.

I tried before to make something when I was in a slightly better situation where I had a working headset microphone but the more I reviewed it the more I would get upset at things from the quality of the video, to the sound of my voice, the production quality and the way I attempted to presented information, it remains as a private video that I feel even that is something I couldn’t get right.

Realistically only thing I can currenly do is video game recording without any voice work and even that seems like I would be wasting my time. But still a part of me wants to do it to just do something other than the nothing that I am currently doing.

It feels wrong to want to do this as it will ultimately feel like just another failed project. I don’t know what else to really do… looking for work seems pointless and I cannot think of any reasonable other work I can do as it most likely requires networking that I have virtually none of. I feel that i have worked myself into learnt hopelessness and anything I do is destined to fail.

Ultimately there is some deep underlining problems at work in me that have interwined and have amalgamated it something worse.

I realy hope that me throwing things out there like some sort of therapy session is alright. I really want to be a better person but I am carrying a crap- ton of baggage that I have held on to and feel guilt for being this way as people do have it a lot worse and I have this inability to do any better.