Hi everyone, I’m new here. I’ve got BP 2, and it’s been very rough.

TL;DR: Was doing poorly, but am doing better now even during a major change in circumstances, thanks to quitting alcohol and starting new meds.

Expanded: Four months ago a relative and I were given a notice of termination of residency: move out or else, pretty much. (It wasn’t our fault; the owner simply wanted his house back.) This just happened to occur during one of the worst mixed episodes I have had in a long time, and I had been having meldtowns at least once per week. It all came to a head when I completely lost my shit, screaming & breaking things, and scaring my family. I got picked up by a police officer to be taken to the hospital the next day. Being there was very disturbing, and since I was on a voluntary hold and they weren’t actually helping, l walked out.

I resolved to quit alcohol and other possibly damaging drugs, and get on meds.

This last month has been better. We only spent one night homeless, stealth camping with my cat in national forest land. A relative is letting us stay at their place, but the house was/is a disaster zone of hoarding and neglect. We’ve been cleaning and fixing things, but there is still no room inside the house to sleep, and it smells of cat piss. We’ve been sleeping in the carport and covered porch. In a trailer park :(

Even though I’m better than I was, my mood still fluctuates, and I sometimes ‘hear’ some people thinking negative things about me. And another relative who has been living in this house has regular outbursts of his own, so I have to navigate this situation carefully.

All in all, it’s been a chnge for the better, but my housing situation can’t last.

I’m not sure I’m cut out for this.

I started a new job with the county recently and goddamnit. I already want to quit. On the one hand, I feel there are legitimate complaints. On the other, I’m not sure how much my goddamned fuckedupedness is fucking me up here.

Driving is a dangerous profession. Or rather, a risky one. It doesn’t even have to be your fault and you (and now in my case, my passengers) could be injured or killed. They want me driving 7-12 hour shifts regularly, and since I’m a contractor I’m not strictly entitled to a regular “break.” Of course I can request a break at any time and they’ll happily let me end my current route at the nearest dodgy gas station or dollar mart or literally whatever is close at hand. But of course I’m still running the clock on renting the vehicle while my work pay clock has stopped for break. I know what you’ll say, “You’re paying to work there?!” And yes, strictly speaking I am. But the gross is almost $30/hr, the rental fee is about $9/hr and the net works out to about $20/hr. No gas, no maintenance, no wear and tear on my own vehicle. A huge step up from uber&co, where I frequently make approximately $8-12/hr busting my ass in my own car on my own gas wearing my own brakes. The work is hourly too, not per-job, so there’s no mad rush. Get the people where they’re going in a relatively timely manner, safely. People understand that it’s going to be much slower than an uber, it’s a helluva lot cheaper too.

I know I need to take breaks more often but I just can’t stand the thought of burning money while stopped at a fucking dollar mart. I know I’m not as good, careful, safe of a driver or as kind, patient, caring of a person when I’m tired. I know it makes me frustrated and slow and prone to mistakes but goddamnit. I know it’s a mental block but goddamnit. It’s me. It’s the guy who has made all those shitty decisions, or not, that had lead me into the gutter those few short years ago.

I don’t like that when I’m having an issue I have to call a person in fucking India who I can barely understand to get them to not help or do some shit I could have done, but worse, with permission. I hate that they have no control over what they or I do, they’re just automatons pressing buttons just like me driving through the city following the app. “Sorry sir, that’s the policy we can’t do that.” “But that’s what would have happened if this error hadn’t occured!” “Sorry sir that’s the policy. Is there anything else we can help you with today?” Suggesting they had helped in the first place. I love helping these customers. I love the rare opportunities where I get to stop pretending to be a driving robot and help them with their bags or answer a question. “I’m short on fare.” “Don’t worry about it this time, sir.”, “It’s fucking hot outside!” “I keep a pack of water bottles in the back, help yourself, there’s the ac controls…”, etc.

Today was especially frustrating. I only got about 2 hours into my shift before the van started misbehaving. There’s too much minutia to explain and I just realized I don’t actually want to get into the frustrating minutia. I asked for help and was told basically to keep working. When I threatened to end my shift they started whistling a different fucking tune and that was the very moment I decided to end my shift. I don’t need this fuckery. Give me a working car and get the hell out of my way.

I’ve heard so many stories about drivers being shitty or negligent or driving erratically or just being generally bad at their job. After only 1 month in this, I’m starting to understand what might lead a jaded person towards that sort of thing.

I just want to help people. Let me do that; pay me for my work: that’s all this needs to be.

/rant

fuck that was a lot.