To prevent a recurrence of cancer, my wife’s ovaries were removed and it has triggered menopause. We are in our mid 30s. It is a terrible business, with numerous symptoms like pain, discomfort, mood and attitude changes, and the like.

She is seeking treatments by her own idea, but that process has been extremely slow. In the mean time, all affection for me has completely evaporated and been replaced with anger, resentment, distance, and disrespect.

I know that she has no choice in what is happening to her, I know it is not her fault, I know she is barely able to control it, and I don’t blame her for any of it. And yet, this new person living with me refuses to interact with me at all unless it’s to chastise me for some perceived slight or criticize me for voicing my opinion.

I tried to express that I was feeling undesired and attacked but understood my plight was in no way similar to hers (nor as intense, serious, difficult, or important). I didn’t want her to apologize because it wasn’t her fault; I only wanted her to recognize that I was having feelings about what was going on.

She told me I had no right to those feelings, reminded me that what was happening was happening to her, and I should never bring it up again if I care about her at all.

So I’m seriously asking: What’s the trick here? Do I just wait it out? Am I even allowed to have these feelings? Or should I just shut my big, dumb, stupid mouth? I legitimately want to know how to navigate this because I seem to only be making mistakes.

  • Notyou@sopuli.xyz
    261·
    3 months ago

    As someone a little older and without a wife going through menopause yet, FUCK NO you are not wrong for feeling that.

    She is going through the brunt and you seem to understand that from this post. That doesn’t mean you aren’t going through it too. Just like couples going through pregnancy, deaths, or other life events. It normally effects one more than the other, but it doesn’t mean the other partner isn’t going through issues. You are married. That means BOTH of you go through things together.

    She is very much entitled to her selfishness for this period of time. I don’t have tips or tricks, but I will say avoid fights. Even if you both sometimes understand it’s just venting and neither of you mean what you say.

    Try to pick up an unrelated hobby. Start taking walks. Public libraries have apps that let you checkout books, if you have a reading list. There might be a support group for men going through this. If there isn’t could you start one, because I have a feeling I will need it in a few years.

    She needs support more than anything. That means not telling her some rando on the Internet agreed with you. Her body is crazy. My wife told me stories of other ladies going through it at her work. She asked questions and is not happy about what is on the horizon.If she doesn’t want you support though then focus on you. Draw a doodle.