I used to see myself as a person who prided themselves in not letting shit bother me, be it something really sad, scary, happy or funny, I repeatedly told myself I wouldn’t let it affect me. And that worked for a long time sure, but eventually it all comes out in one way or another.
And when it came out, it wasn’t pretty, it took the form as (what felt like) a complete loss of control. I hoped to have a cathartic release and feel a range of emotions, but I genuinely felt like I had to thoughts attributed to what was happening. Even though I fully knew I was in control, I kept telling myself that something else was controlling me (it felt that way because my brain was going faster than my mouth if that makes sense). My brain is usually somewhat ahead of my mouth (I fucking hate this but it’s why texting/writing comes so much easier)
I’ve for the longest time tried to explain to others why I’ve felt trapped in my mind, but I can’t really get any help because most of the time the people in my life tell me “whatever is happening to you, it’s not coming from god” which seems like such a fucking absurd thing to say.
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This is very relatable. We are often expected to suppress or ignore our emotions. As you said, this can be done for a long time but for many people there will eventually be some kind of rupture. That rupture can take all kinds of forms but they are often dramatic and may be frightening, especially if your emotions have been suppressed for a very long time.
The sensation of being “controlled” could be the result of some underlying medical or psychological condition, but it could also just be a one-off response to dealing with a great amount of stress.
I recognize my early schizophrenic self in what you have posted.
You might have schizophrenia.
Stop weed (assuming you are!), and try to get a therapist who can diagnose you so you can get on anti-psychotics.
I could be wrong, but that’s what my gut says. Call it…truthiness
