I haven’t felt anything besides low burning self contempt for years. Emotions like sadness and happiness elude me. I haven’t sincerely shouted for joy or wept in years. I also have no desire to get close to other people and form relationships. This makes it nigh impossible for me to give a shit about even important things. While I don’t feel much pain anymore, I also lack the spark that makes life worth living. I feel like a soulless automaton.
Does this sound like it’s related to neurodivergence? I’m 100% depressed, but years of therapy and various different medications haven’t done much, so I feel like there must be more to it.
Id add to the general speculation it seems not just depression but dissociation is your main issue. Life lacks salience because your brain is dissociating away so much pain the parts of your brain that are meant to feel things are overmodulated meaning no activity can be had.
I would look into bessel van der kolks work on traumas neurological effects!
I read The Body Keeps the Score back in rehab and it resonated with me quite a bit. Many of the therapies listed in the last third of the book are pretty hard to find in my area sadly.