I had two months to make an application, I spent all of summer in my room on my bed, with the occasional psych-appointment (on the rare chance I didn’t cancel). So because it’s quite urgent that I submit this, my mind is shutting down, feeling sleepy despite sleeping all day, locked in my room, it’s quite warm but I feel terribly cold. I can’t ask what do I do, because I know what I need to do: just do the application! But for some reason, my mind does not want to. Like I have this IDGAF attitude when a lot is at stake if I don’t submit this application.
I’ve got no one to talk to because I don’t want to and I don’t have the energy to lie or smile. I even feel like a fraud claiming that I’m feeling apathetic because I hate this state. And hate is an emotion. I hate that I have all these memories of the person I used to be, before all this. I was punctual, less feeling, organised and my motivation run deep. Now I’m not even a shell of who I was, I don’t even aim to be like I was. I’m just aaaaaarregh.
Edit:
So after yoyoing between pitying myself and being disappointed, I took a walk, then got on the tram. Was a lot less anxious when I returned, I just did the application. The walk honestly was motivated by you guys. I feel so hypocritical that I tell this to my closest friend and my sister when this mood hits, but I can’t tell it to myself. Also, I’m still cold, but I’m okay with it because the anxiety of the application is gone now that I have submitted it (I don’t expect much from it, pessimist here, but I’m relieved it’s over and done with). Thank you. I even rescheduled my appointment, and took doses as prescribed (I’ve been intentionally missing my doses as I don’t feel any better).
I read your post a couple of hours ago, and thought about it–and I’m so glad you’ve been able to make some moves toward resolution.
One thing I keep thinking about, which you may not have had a chance to address: what is so troubling about the application?
Does it lead you to activities you don’t want to perform? That is, if your application is accepted, and you complete the tasks that you’ve applied for, will you be happy, satisfied, fulfilled during and after those activities? Perhaps you have some deep sense that you don’t want to go where this application takes you. Or perhaps your stumbling block is fear of failing at the tasks once you are admitted. Perhaps even your subconscious resistance is symbolic–it’s a next step in growing up, moving on to the next phase of your life, and that brings all sorts of uncertainties, worries, opportunities to experience problems.
In any event, I think you’ve found one key to getting through the mental block: you broke the cycle by doing something (anything!) that breaks the pattern–getting out for a walk and a tram ride. Hooray!
Another key, I think, is that you mention missing doses of medication. Psych meds can do strange things to the mind, and sometimes (as you point out) the body/mind needs to adjust and ride out the change. Skipping doses can make you “think things you’re not really thinking”–can shift brain chemistry in ways that make you believe the mental states are arising internally, when in fact they are chemically induced. Skipping doses can play havoc with your mental state. If the meds aren’t working, or seem to be creating more problems than they solve, by all means ask your psych for a change–but it’s not helpful to change the schedule of dosing just because you feel (or don’t feel) like doing so.
Late to reply, but I’m okayish now. Honestly looking back, not a thing about the submission was truly difficult. I was anxious about going to a government office to verify myself. Yes, it leads (rather led) to activities that I want to do, but too anxious about doing them. OMG, yes, I would be relieved and happy if the application is accepted and I actually competently finish the activities. (Happy isn’t the word, just a sense of content, like I’ve done it and it’s over and done with). Fear of failing, that’s it. Honestly, I can’t say everything has been smooth sailing in my life, but when I put my mind onto something, I actually set standards for myself, that if I don’t meet, it feels disastrous. I don’t want to get too much into my childhood, but success was sometimes the only way to avoid regular beatings or even a little kindness from my parent. So, I think I’m not familiar on how to cope with failure and fear of it, especially now because I lost confidence in myself (I really took things head on, these past years I’m truly scared to do lots of things that should be easy for me).
Yes, doing something. It really does help. Although it’s so easy to slip back into the nothingness. Like I woke up today, and wasn’t feeling it, and I decided to do one thing, open/draw the curtains open, then return to bed. As soon as the light was in my room, I actually felt a bit better, which led me to make my bed, brush my teeth, take a shower. After the shower I was like, I feel comfortable enough to go on a walk, and I did. I haven’t yet done some assignments I planned on doing, but the walk actually did help.
I now aim to take my doses faithfully. Put an alarm to remind me. Hopefully this all sticks, but currently I feel like all this excited energy I have been experiencing this week will fade away. You know when you can see/feel a depressive mood coming? Or when you notice you are oddly excitable, spent a majority of today dancing and listening to music in my room (actually just one song, it’s on loop)? Despite this energy, I can feel downtime coming from a mile. I have been maintaining contact with family so that I don’t slip, but I find myself needing to isolate again. Actually as I type this, I’m feeling a bit sad/down. I’ll stop typing and take a shower. It sometimes calms me down. Forgot to say, another thing that I use to distract from dealing with all this, is focusing on my sibling’s issues, like helping them resolve difficulties, comforting and consoling them. But I rarely have energy or drive to do it for myself.
Lastly, thank you for your kind words and insight. Can I ask how are you? (Like the true how are you, not the “How are you? Fine”)
I’m so glad you took the time to update! It sounds like, although it was an unpleasant experience, you made good use of it by figuring out what was behind the feelings, what was motivating your downward spiral, and what you can do to help yourself get back on track.
I know it’s easier said than done, and something I struggle with too—but don’t let the perfect become the enemy of the good. As in, maybe you’ll try and not get it absolutely perfect. But doing a “good enough” job is sometimes (often?) better than doing nothing at all. We all make mistakes, even with the best of intentions and effort. But the only real “failure” is screwing up, and not learning anything from it. I think it was Einstein who said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.”
Thank you for asking how I’m doing! Well—muddling through. Sitting in a nursing home with my partner who has Alzheimer’s, where I visit her every day. Not what I wanted for my retirement. I try to look for good things, small things. She still knows who I am, and we still love each other. I’m comfortable financially. I’m going to see my friends in church tomorrow; hopefully, the meditation class I’ll be teaching will go over well. Trying to get motivated to mow the yard!
Be well, my friend, and take good care of yourself. We all have ups and downs; give yourself what you need to pick yourself up again.