I’ve never actually read Settlers aside from a page or chapter or two but I’ve seen people sum up its major points on reddit comments. Ironically, the day before the event I’m about describe happened, I watched BadEmpanada’s video making fun of Gonzalo and talking about the atrocities of the Shining Path.
Yesterday I had a mental breakdown in a public space and started yelling and threatening to get violent to someone to the point where security had to escort me out of the building I was in. I then proceeded to run in front of the street in hopes a car would kill me.
While there were other factors, like having to wait in line for hours with no guarantee that it would even be worth it, and perhaps not having enough hours of sleep, the main reason why I snapped was because I, for some reason, was so upset at the idea of people in the first world being complicit in the exploitation of people in imperialized nations with their usage of luxury products gained from exploitation and the idea that the biggest problem in a first worlder’s life is the fact that a video game or movie sucked, or that someone cheated in a speedrun. I kept thinking about all these (often long or very long) Youtube videos you see where someone talks about speedrunning crap or makes a 12 hour video dissecting why a TV show is bad. It bothered me that people in my home country care so much about those insignificant things instead of imperialism.
In addition, a person who I am very close to and care about deeply had sent me a pro-Taiwan video on Discord, which led to me spamming the message “Fuck off”. My brain had malfunctioned the point that I fantasized about killing myself to stop these dysphoric feelings, even taking it another step further by thinking about taking others with me via ultraleft terrorism. Thankfully this is 100% materially impossible for me to do and is not even remotely a realistic concern. I feel embarrassed that I even experienced this brainrot since I literally hate Maoists and make fun of them all the time online. The thought I even had feelings like this is extremely out of character and I can’t even think of any logical reason why it even happened. Can someone tell me how I can avoid ever hating the local proletariat ever again?
TL;DR: I hate speedrunning and video essays.
i’m sorry that you experienced something so unfortunate and uncomfortable. i hope you’re okay. i have a few thoughts for you:
sakai is fine, but frankly it doesn’t seem like a fantastic work to me. yes, it says a lot of things that people need to hear, but it just doesn’t seem very intersectional to me. there’s no monopoly on exploitation; you can be white and also be exploited. of course, whiteness generally implies a higher level of exploitation
socialism is not only more correct but feels better when it comes from a place of love. you should be able to love yourself and your class(es). apart from being able to distinguish the progressive forces in society, this love should even extend to your enemies to some extent because we can see the amazing potential for a unified humanity of which everyone will be a part.
it can be easy to get bogged down by the infinite knowledge of current events, or of economic exploitation and its horrors, or from alienation/pain/disability ultimately caused by capitalism. i think it’s necessary to have a correct philosophical foundation first and foremost, in order to give yourself a good framework to digest that infinite information. that framework should also be applied to your own personal life, which is the only way it can be solidified but also the only way you can truly understand yourself and your woes, thus providing you with revolutionary optimism. to the extent that you can, study dialectical materialism!