It’s strange but listening again to music from about 20 years ago, during a time when I was mostly sad and depressed, and where the musical choices reflected that, gives me a weird sense of nostalgia and longing for that time.

I know it’s not unusual for music to do that, that’s just run of the mill, it’s just odd that, it has me longing for a time and associated mood that, on the whole, I kind of didn’t really enjoy very much. The angsty tracks were what I listened to because I was so bummed out and dissatisfied.

  • AnarchistArtificer@slrpnk.netEnglish
    8·
    2 months ago

    I’m chronically depressed and I have been for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I’m wistful for the sadnesses of yesteryear because it was relatively simpler. The world feels more complex now, and that’s probably largely because my perspective continues to grow as I age. However, in addition to this, there’s also a very introspective complexity — there was an odd liberation in being so low the only thing I wanted was to die. I’m very glad that I have things to live for nowadays, but also, part of me resents it. It makes things messier and it means that when I’m suicidal, it’s not because I want to die, but because I want to live and feel I can’t.

    There’s also all the duties that come with being older that mean that even when I’m not that kind of sad, I also can’t really dwell on sadness and really stew like I sometimes want to. It can be cathartic to be a melodramatic arsehole, but often, I can’t justify that because if I don’t do the work needed to keep life ticking on, my “I want to live but I’m sad” might degrade to a “I want to die”.