People are painful to me. I find their presence painful. I’ve been this way since infancy. I created a suite of methods for keeping them away (methods like “passive-aggressive hostility”). These methods became deep habits. Later in life I hungered for company and couldn’t figure out why I was so bad at it. I just recently realized what’s up (thanks meditation). Do any of you relate?
Yeah. I mean, I genuinely do enjoy hanging out with the right kinds people. Occasionally. And for relatively short periods of time. I just have so little social energy and a lot of social anxiety. I find myself frustratingly uninterested in (and/or overwhelmed with) the idea of socializing, not even via text, and I pretty much rely on my SO for making/hanging with friends. So, not great.
I’ve always thought I could get a lot out of meditation, but I’m so bad at sticking to literally anything. Maybe it’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I’ve tried so many things in an attempt to increase socialization or even generally just improving my own life.
I don’t really want to be this antisocial, but making and keeping close friendships seems so daunting and exhausting to me.