So I’ve come to a realization after about a couple decades of stress and shit that I probably have adhd. Obviously I don’t want to for sure since I haven’t been diagnosed, but when I’m literally yelling at myself to do stuff and can’t stay focussed on basically anything, and get extremely overwhelmed via information overload, etc. It’s a good idea to get checked out.
But…I don’t want the medicine. I don’t know why but I dont like the idea of it. I take other medications, heartburn meds, cold medicine, vaccines, etc. But I dont like shit messing with my head. I don’t even drink coffee (and I don’t drink or smoke either. Hell, im even reluctant to take painkillers) It causes such anxiety in me, I don’t exactly know why either. But the me who is shit and can’t focus and whatever is all I’ve known. I dont want to be someone else because I took a little pill filled with chemicals. It’s stupid. I know its stupid. If this was someone else talking to me I’d be saying “well You’d improve yourself and you’re just making yourself focus like a normal prrson.” But I have such a fear of…of whatever I fear. I don’t understand.
I just started concerta and it’s pretty nice. All it changed is that there’s less miserable time in between tasks where I’m trying to transition or stuck on my phone. Haters and losers say ADHD meds turn you into a mindless drone but that is not true. Most of my extra focus has gone towards “unproductive” hyperfixations (although I’ll try to get more work done, it just didn’t seem as important for a bit). There’s the expectation in this capitalist society that if you’re using drugs to focus better all that extra ability to do things belongs to the exploiters, but you can certainly use it only occasionally when you need it for work and otherwise to empower yourself to do what you like more in free time.