I need serious help, comrades. I thought I was doing better, maybe I was lying to myself, maybe I’m insane, I don’t know.

All I know is I’ve spent far too much money on drugs, doing them super often, and in places I shouldn’t be. Anything I could afford.

I’m so down and so dysfunctional that I am struggling to hold down jobs or do much of anything without the aid of being fucked up. Last night I got so demolished (ketamine + weed) that I couldn’t function around my girlfriend. It was embarrassing. I was having full on schizophrenic like experiences and the worst self esteem issues I’ve ever experienced and I realized that I was fucking my life and body up and headed down a very dark path. Said some embarrassing shit too.

I feel like such a loser. Not for finally getting help but for where I put myself and just I don’t know

I’m sorry everyone

If anyone has anything inspirational or anything to say I’d appreciate it because I’m in a spiral right now

I still feel like I’m in the void

Is this forever because it feels like it’s already been forever

  • KommandoGZD@lemmygrad.ml
    2·
    2 years ago

    To me - and many others I’ve talked to - it’s just a tremendously empowering way to look at it. It allows distance to these behaviours, but also to approach them with compassion. Beating ourselves up for our flaws just destroys us. Accepting that we had difficult times that demanded certain defence mechanisms to survive (emotionally) and that those defence mechanisms are now detrimental and not needed anymore can even be a source of pride.

    Nobody’s stupid for choosing drugs when the choice was that or dying.

    Exactly. Fleeing from, avoiding, shutting down because of abuse is perfectly valid and even healthy. Nobody’s stupid or a loser for chosing whatever strategy was necessary to survive. Just these strategies tend to become detrimental in not-survival situations. No shame in that though

    • KiG V2@lemmygrad.ml
      2·
      2 years ago

      Seconded to this. I’m currently in overwork hellmode and so I’ve been doing drugs, eating poorly, being a little shit asshole sometimes, driving fast etc. I know that over a long period of time these behaviors will slowly warp me into something bad and bite me gravely, but I know while things are tough and will be for the next 2-4 months that it’s okay to be a little shit asshole if trying to maintain a rigid, healthy lifestyle hurts more at the moment.