Don’t beat yourself up over this, if you keep blaming yourself then you’ll never step out of this rut.

Shits happened, that can’t be changed but you’ve recognised where you were at and what’s wrong with how you were handling situations.

It takes a great deal of strength to recognise the problem.

You know this isn’t sustainable and now it’s time to change that.

Be proud of the fact you’ve recognised this, next step is addressing this and slowly climbing out if this rut.

Don’t beat yourself up as unrealistic goals and self deprication are a unhealthy and toxic combination for tripping you up.

Instead try to think positively, yes you made a mess but you’ve realised this, you know what you need to do, you still have that awareness and it’s allowed you to recognise what you need to do. Now to implement that.

Take it slow comrade, nothing happens overnight, everything is a journey and this is the start of your journey out of this dark place 🫂

Rooting for your wellbeing and I hope you feel better soon ❤

Just don’t give up, we are all rooting for your health!!

Hey comrade, I can relate. I’ve been there, and still am in a way because it’s a constant struggle not to fall back into old, bad habits. The more effort we put into changing our habits, the easier it gets over time, but then BAM we get triggered and if we’re not ready we trip and we’re back in that place again.

I’m not an expert by any means, but I’ll share what works for me and hopefully it helps you in some way. I have an idea in my mind of the ideal person I want to be. It gives me a reference point to strive towards. I also have a very strict schedule that I follow that puts me on track to achieving that goal. If I deviate from that schedule then I know I’m off track and I need to fix something.

I still do drugs, mainly just smoke weed, but this works into my schedule by only doing them on weekends, and usually only at night so I can be productive throughout the day. This gives my body at least four days to recover and allow me to be my best at work. I still get tempted to smoke during the week, but having planned activities and a strict sleep schedule helps fight off those temptations.

The hardest part is starting. Once we have momentum by doing the right things consistently, it becomes much easier. I also never want to go back to that place, so having those dark memories in mind helps me resist the urge to give in.

I hope that helps. Feel free to reach out if you wanna talk!

There’s already great support here so I will just say that you can do it, plain and simple. I’ve been so depressed I was dully suicidal for years. My girlfriend was a heroin addict. I’ve known people who were homeless. Me and many had terrible personality afflictions due to abuse or similar experiences, affecting our esteem and behavior and all the rest. It IS possible to escape the black hole. It IS possible to wake up in a few years and realize your life is substantially better. It’s not easy and it’s a matter of 1000000 small battles, not any one singular moment. From what little I know of you you, like all our comrades here, are very smart and considerate and I know you have the will within you. I don’t know what is necessary for you to try and build a better life for yourself but I know that you are capable of determining that and achieving it.

Remember that these bad feelings are like a fog that make everything seem like shit, always has been and always will be, but that is not the truth, it is an illusion, a spell of sorts. It helped me to externalize my demons and treat them like foreign saboteurs who feed off my suffering; I don’t know what you believe in or what you can or need to believe in, but find it, find what works, by any means necessary.

As always, I’m terribly inconsistent, and I only check my notifications once every blue moon or less, but if you need to talk hmu because I can talk it all!

I was able to kick alcohol over 3 years ago, after about 5 years of attempts. My life has vastly improved in that regard.

I guess the biggest thing for me was doing an actual analysis of alcohol and realizing it had no benefit to my life. I don’t know, it just clicked one day. I did read a book called ‘Alcohol Lied to Me’. The author was a bit much, but it did help me.

What works is totally dependent on the individual, but I’ve found maybe just getting out for a walk to clear your head can help you realize next steps you need to take. I really don’t like to give advice to people, especially in regards to addiction.

It’s a journey. But I remember years ago thinking ‘why can’t I go more than 2 days without drinking?!’ I think it’s been over 1,000 now.

A better life is possible.

Feel you comrade. Having different issues, but felt much the same the past 2 years. I was doing so damn well for a couple years facing so many of my demons and overcoming them, then 2020 rolled around and that year was gut punch after gut punch and I spiralled ever since, forgot all my healthy coping, my boundaries, everything.

Not telling you this to make it about myself, but I just want you to know I had some breakthrough moment that made me snap out of this whole spiral a couple weeks ago - it’s trivial as, but might help you too:

Just have you thought at all recently that this mountain of darkness, of self-loathing, of negativity is not you, but just something you were made to believe is you?

Again, trivial as. I just had totally forgotten who I am and that I am not my struggles, my anxieties, etc. Maybe you can remember that too. That you aren’t your problems and whatever demons that pushed you to do all the things you’re doing. Something imposed those maladaptive coping strategies on you. Your real you is just trying to protect itself, but it is so much more than addiction, than depression and fears. Maybe you can remember there’s that real you in you and it is hurting and in need of help and care, from you and others, and is deserving of it too. Give that you a hug, tell it it’s fine too hurt and it’s fine to not cope well. Care for it by going to therapy and make sure you stay in touch with it

No need to apologize, you are taking steps to heal yourself. Beginning that journey is its own monumental task, and you are infinitely strong for taking it. You are a delight here, my wish is that there is a day when you can feel positive about yourself. Remember, you are never alone, ever.

No idea how healthy it is, but being ashamed of the way I used to be when I was “more mentally ill” has helped me keep in check.

A lot of the dissociation you’re feeling might be more related to drugs than any organic function of your “natural brain”. So, you’re not crazy and it’s not forever.

I’ve been there… I’m sorry you’re in that hell.

I will say it’s possible to have a normal life without the drugs with determination, honesty, and some luck.

I’m sober almost 5 years from my drugs of choice and life is incomparably better than it was for the 15 years prior. The same will be true for you if you never give up.

Use the tools they give you but remember they will only work if you make them work for you.

Best of luck on your journey onwards!

Ah I’m seeing this post after your other comment. Good to see you are actually starting treatment. I hope it can give you the tools to deal with your struggles.

Going to treatment is a hard step for many and you should be proud that you’re taking it. You seem to be willing to change, that’s important. But remember: it’s a marathon you’re doing now, not a sprint. It’s not going to magically get better after 1 or 2 sessions and it will require work. But as long as you are able to open up and follow through, you will get out of it a better person, I promise.

And for something inspirational: I myself have dealt with years of drug and alcohol abuse. I even dealt hard drugs to finance my lifestyle of partying and destroying myself. I was on a path to be a lifelong criminal and to destroy myself with drugs. Many times did it seem hopeless when I looked at the future. And many times did I try to end my life because of it. I’ve hit absolute rock bottom and I’ve stayed there for a long long time.

But I managed to turn it around. By myself, with help from my friends and family and, importantly, with therapy. It was a hard road to where I am now, with some dangers of falling back, but I made it. And nothing will knock me back down now.

If I could do it, you sure can. We’re here for you.

My original comment got eaten so I’m gonna rewrite it.

You already did the hardest step which is facing yourself and not denying anymore that you need help, so it will be relatively easier from this point.

Can you try mending things with your girlfriend before starting too? It will clear your mind to focus on the therapy and it’s just good to talk things out and not let them fester into resentment.

I really hope things go well for you and that your wellbeing improves by doing this. Good luck ❤️

I hope you find peace :)

You’ve been lovely whenever we’ve interacted on this site O:-)

Drink water and stretch

It absolutely doesn’t have to be forever. Don’t forget that you got to where you are for reasons. You make sense, and your choices make sense, even when there were more productive choices you could have made. I can definitely recall (like literally all last year and the year before) a time when I felt unhinged and said some of the most embarrassing and destructive things of my life to people I love. I am now out of that, and I do have regrets, but I know why it happened. I know that I’m not to blame for every factor that led me there.

In terms of that shame, just know that that’s a completely normal response to addiction, and it’s not something you need to feel forever either. Judging others based on who they were while consistently using is deeply unfair. It is nearly impossible to not engage in out-of-character selfishness in some circumstances, and being in a period of drug abuse is one of those. And I’d love it for you if you could ease up on yourself. You’re not the things you’ve said, nor are you what you’ve done in the past. We are all always becoming, not static. You are not what you’ve done, but instead are becoming what you do, and what you are doing now by recognizing all this is very very good. Most people would not be strong enough.

You’ve got this, comrade. We all believe in you.

Edit: Whoever downvoted OP and almost everyone else in here seems to have done so immediately around when a lot of the recent threads seemed to randomly get one downvote per comment. So, almost certainly not directed at you, OP.

One more thing, harm reduction is something to consider. I’m not sure what your end goals are, but don’t feel bad for scaling down or substituting your use with something safer.

I did use weed to kick alcohol. I still don’t really have an issue with weed, but I know some people want to be totally clean.