Took the news and creatively wrote it

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.perthchat.org/post/213636

Alice washed up on the shores of lemmy.ml with no memory. Little did Alice know about the adventure that awaited him.

His voyage of discovery took him to many sublemmies. Upon seeing another soul, he would eagerly run up to them and would ask the most basic questions imaginable. Generally anime adventurers make friends along the way, but not our hero. For what our hero lacked in intelligence and charisma, he made up for with low self control. His incessant questioning eventually got him the booted from a good many towns (sublemmies).

Tiring of constant wandering, he cried to the heavens: “In this cruel world, is my destiny controlled by some transcendental god? Well I reject you! I reject you all!”

He planted a flag on a remote island and declared it “askwomen”. In order to attract women to his island, he made sure to emblazon the flag with a corset, to the chagrin of all.

Alice was smited yet again as the gods ban hammered him from lemmy.ml.

Through sheer power of will, Alice began to travel through the lemmyverse seeking power. Lemmy.ca - banned. Perthchat.org - trapped in the maze of ‘registration questionnaire’. Lemmygrad - smited. Sopuli.xyz - hit by a train. Mander.xyz - arrow to the knee. Beehaw - bleach tranq dart.

The forsaken furry, u/wolfballer, seeing our protagonist’s plight, welcomed Alice out of pity. Never has Alice found himself surrounded by trumpian furries. Never has Alice felt so at home. Wolfballer, impressed by the impulse posting, gave Alice more power than he ever dreamt off: Administrator.

With the energy of 1000 communists flowing through him, Alice rejoiced and redoubled his posting efforts.

But alas, it was all a cruel joke.

Wolfballer swept the rug. Kicked the ankle. Put a stick in the spokes. Wolfballer gave Alice a taste of power, a taste of friendship, only to take it away. With a cackle and a snort, Wolfballer revealed his trap card: that he was planning to close wolfballs all along.

“Any last words?” Smirked wolfballer as he held Alice by the neck over the 404 void. “Out of spite i’m going to get the covid vaccination” began Alice. Wolfballer frowned and released his grip on Alice furry collar. “I’m going to get the covid vaxx and shove it up your mangy…” screamed Alice as he fell, final words consumed by the void.

To be continued in part 2: Alice; maximum carnage

disclaimers;

I’m sure alice irl is a fine upstanding gentleman and just is on the internet to trash post

I don’t remember the smaller details like, exact order of which instances alice joined. But the general story beats are factually correct (alice getting banned, dumb questions, becoming wolfballs admin)

Cast:

wolfballer = u/masterofballs. Wolfballs is an trumpian antivax instance.

u/Alice = reddit.com/u/Karlor_Gaylord_Cries = u/pink-lacey = u/TimothyMcFuck. I am 90% certain of all of these.

2009 xi jing shortened edition, perthchat news publishing inc. CC0