I’ve worked really hard getting a certification and landed an excellent part time job. I’m in college and my grades are the best they’ve ever been despite my increased workload but I can’t stop constantly thinking about the past. There isn’t a moment in time where I don’t feel anxious, as if I don’t deserve this relative success I’m having. I feel like a fraud. I don’t know if I’m making any sense.
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Imposter syndrome. Not feeling worthy even though you’ve worked really hard to be there. I just want to say, yes you deserve the good things and yes you are smart and yes you are enough. Congratulations on doing well.
I don’t know what you did before that makes you feel this way, but if you hurt someone, don’t do it again. But understand you can’t change whatever happened.
Going forward, make sure you have positive interactions with the people around you. Help people out. It doesn’t matter who.
And if you did hurt someone, leave them alone unless you obtained a strong signal to make amends.
If you think you’re in the crosshairs of some kind of retribution or legal trouble, I would want to get that shit done as fast as possible. If not, work on your life and building relationships and experiences.
You have the rest of your life to make things right or at least to strike balance.
Ho dang yeah I felt that probably still do at times. Giving back helps a bit. Usually try to donate some food or books to some orphanages.
What’s done is over and you can’t change it but it’s experience.
Don’t worry life has more shit around the corner to fuck you up or piss you off. As Kratos once said “the worst is yet to come” so try not to feel so bad about the past and enjoy the ride.
but I can’t stop constantly thinking about the past. There isn’t a moment in time where I don’t feel anxious, as if I don’t deserve this relative success I’m having.
Let me ask you this: If you don’t deserve this success, who does?
I guarantee you there people far stupider and lazy than you but more successful than you that are riding the coattails of their family name or connections to earn more money and title than you. There are even more people on this planet that are absurdly smarter than you so much harder working than you that were born into different geographies, possibly other genders, races, creeds, or faiths with vastly different socioeconomic systems which means you’ll earn more in one year than they, their children, and their grandchildren will in their entire lifetimes.
You know what’s separating you from that first group and the second, and those in the second group from you? One word: LUCK
You were born in the right era, with the right brain, in the right part of the world, to learn the right skills, to be able to take the opportunity when it presented itself at the right time for you to arrive at this success. Yes I’m sure you worked hard along with the luck, but without the luck, you’d be in the second group that the amount of hard work you do would be immaterial to change your situation and station in life.
Understand that you are where you are because of luck, and that you need to continue to put effort in so that you can take advantage of luck when it arrives. There’s no guarantee it will last, but your best chance is to continue to learn, be true to yourself, be humble, and understand that life will throw some giant challenges at you in the future. Always work to be the best version of yourself you can be.
What you’ve got is a maladaptive cognitive structure you’ve set up for yourself, and the only way out is to learn a new way to think about/relate to the past. Practicing mindfulness can help you learn to recognize when a thought isn’t serving you and be able to let it go. CBT and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy are also good options for what you’re describing
If you have the means, talk to a therapist about this. It’s a really common trauma response to feel this way.
I’ve been seeing a psychologist about anxiety and guilt. Also been prescribed antidepressants from the doctor.
I’m not a doctor; what works for me might not work for you.
Psychedelic therapy may be something to look into.
That will give you a good feeling for awhile, but it will never give you the tools to actually cope with emotional stress.
I went from living in my car to owning a 3600 sqf home in the span of 10 years. It started with going back to school, doing well, and getting a job that pays 4x what I was before. I make a stupid amount and question it sometimes. They’re willing to pay it, and I proved value, so whatever.
You can change the past. Acknowledge it and learn from it.
