• Pyro@lemmy.worldEnglish
    1801·
    9 months ago

    Anon thinks he “won” by getting the girl, not realising that entering a relationship isn’t the finish line.

    • tillary@sh.itjust.works
      33·
      9 months ago

      Probably, but could just as well be anxious attachment since we don’t have the whole story. I’m on the anxious side and this happens a lot if the other doesn’t show enough interest or is closed off in conversation.

      • peopleproblems@lemmy.world
        8·
        9 months ago

        fair. I guess I haven’t dated anyone other than my ex wife so… I guess I really shouldn’t jump to these conclusions.

      • Taniwha420@lemmy.world
        5·
        9 months ago

        My first thought was OP is dismissive avoidant. It’s the no-overlap Venn diagram of, “I want to be close enough to be loved, but not close enough to be hurt.” OP: go take one of the attachment style tests online. There’s a lot of good stuff that might help you get out of this Catch 22. Who knows, though? There is scant information.

        OP: do you find yourself resenting your partner? Wishing they’d get out of your space/stop bugging you with their needs?

          • Taniwha420@lemmy.world
            1·
            4 days ago

            Second one looks good. She has got a bit click-baity, but I found a lot of Thais Gibson’s “Personal Development School” channel on YouTube to be really accessible. She has links to tests, but it’s also useful just listening to her video overviews if the different attachment styles and seeing if you recognise yourself in any of the descriptions. Certainly I was at a loss, watched them, and was like, “Oh shit! Her description of anxious preoccupieds and dismissive avoidance is almost verbatim what I’m dealing with!”

            If you are dismissive avoidant, don’t read the comments. There are a lot of butthurt anxious preoccupieds out there. They really do experience DAs like that, but they’ve got their own shit to work out and contribute to the dynamic.

  • Dagnet@lemmy.world
    97·
    9 months ago

    I get it. I wouldn’t want to date a girl who has so little self-confidence as to date me.

  • DarkMessiah@lemmy.world
    8019·
    9 months ago

    Could be ADHD. The idea of a new relationship and the dopamine from the chase and the victory would be relatively short-lived, and their brain would naturally start seeking out its next hit.

    • Fermion
      3521·
      9 months ago

      That’s a really distorted view of what ADHD is.

      • DarkMessiah@lemmy.world
        415·
        9 months ago

        …

        I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since I was fourteen. I am now thirty. I’ve done my research to manage my condition and have come across this; and even more, I have experienced this very thing. It is not the whole picture, certainly, and as ADHD is a spectrum, it will not be present in all of us; but it is not an uncommon symptom; and it’s basically what I could pull from the post without making assumptions about anon’s other characteristics.

        • Fermion
          201·
          9 months ago

          The description of hypersexuality in your link doesn’t match losing interest in a partner as soon as there is familiarity. If anything, hypersexuality leads to wanting more sexual activity than their partner. That can contribute to fidelity issues, but that’s not the same as losing interest as soon as they get together.

          ADHD doesn’t mean you can only be interested in novel things. People with ADHD tend to be impulsive and have trouble controlling how much attention they can allocate to each subject. They can still hold particular interests for years and decades.

          The only argument for the behavior in the OC being attributable to ADHD, is that maybe they are compulsively jumping into relationships before finding out if they have any compatibility with the other person. So it’s not that ADHD made them lose interest immediately, it’s that they acted on impulse and started a relationship prematurely only to find out that they never liked the other person for more than their appearance. But that’s too much extrapolation for what is actually written.

      • candyman337@sh.itjust.works
        111·
        9 months ago

        Not it’s actually a know issue with people with ADHD. I’ve experienced this feeling and wondered what’s wrong with me. It sometimes takes therapy and time recognize real love and partnership versus the dopamine of someone new caring for you.

  • poszod@lemmy.world
    451·
    9 months ago

    When I was much younger this was an issue because I’d pursue people out of loneliness, not because they were actually a good match. After we’d be together for a few weeks, the loneliness would go away, and then I’d realise that I didn’t like them to begin with. Awful to do that to other people, I know.

    Worked on it through therapy and overcame this behaviour.

  • force@lemmy.world
    37·
    9 months ago

    this is kinda like having adhd where you put a shit ton of effort into overcoming the initial challenge of something and then immediately lose all interest after you’ve overcome the biggest hurdle and leave the project completely abandoned for the rest of eternity

  • Cowbee [he/him]@lemmy.ml
    231·
    9 months ago

    Sounds like OP was focused on finding someone cute and willing to date him, than someone he genuinely clicked with and could have fun with even without sex. Don’t get me wrong, sex is great and very important for couples (outside of the Ace spectrum), but I truly pity people who aren’t dating their best friends.

  • Kecessa@sh.itjust.works
    111·
    9 months ago

    Took me until my late 20s/early 30s and four years being single before I was ready to truly commit and I’ve been in the same relationship for six years now.

    Let yourself grow up and have fun!

  • jeremyparker@programming.dev
    9·
    9 months ago

    Idk about you but for me this turned out to be just a weird looking fear of commitment. It felt like fomo, but once I realized what it was, it … well, I didn’t stop thinking about other girls right away, but it lost its power to make me actually lose interest in the girl I was with.

    I’m still with the girl I was with when I realized all this, so, imo that’s pretty meaningful.

    (Fwiw I never stopped “thinking” about other girls but now it’s very unreal. I’ve been with my wife for 15 years and the idea of going back through all that intro relationship bullshit sounds like torture – plus, odds are, whoever she is won’t be better than my wife, and, of course, it would super hurt my wife’s feelings, and probably mine too, and I really like her feelings not to be hurt. Also we have kids, which raises the bar for how shitty the relationship with my wife would have to be in order to spilt up.)

  • Herbal Gamer@sh.itjust.works
    4·
    9 months ago

    I’ve done this but my two relationships were shorter, with more time in between, I only thought this the second time, and instead of breaking it off myself I got dumped both times.

    Only upside is I never really got 4chan.