I just need to share some meandering thoughts, please bear with me.
The way I think and feel emotions is strange to me. I’ve spent so much time in my own head conceptualizing things I can’t always process my own thoughts.
I feel like there’s this veil over all my perception that I can just barely catch a sense is there. I especially get it when listening to music with certain ethereal sounds. Sleep is another avenue where I try to press on this boundary, but I’ve never felt like I’ve broken through. I have a vague spiritual sense about it and I feel like realizing my trans identity was the biggest turn towards understanding it. I’m also neurodivergent with ADHD and a good bit of trauma, when I started my stimulant meds it made all these things more manageable, but there’s still this uncomfortable disquiet always on my mind. Anyone else feel this way or something akin to it?
I think I feel something very similar. I have this kind of weird lag where I experience something and then I can’t figure out how I feel about it or what it was really like for a while. A few hours or a few days later I will finally have a reaction to it, but even then a big part of it is intellectually deciding how to feel instead of just knowing.
Since I’ve been on estrogen, my emotions are a lot stronger. Overall that’s really nice, but it hasn’t really fixed the detachment. Like the last couple of weeks have been pretty eventful for me, I met some new people and tried some new things. But it’s still the same way it always has been. I figure out like the day after if I liked something or not. It makes functioning socially like a lot harder.
I do think a big part of this is just autism for me. But like the autism and the transness are linked in weird ways. Like do I mask for autism reasons or because I had to pretend to be a guy for a long time?