[CW: Internalized Racism and Internalized Transphobia]
Do you think the fact that I’m black and trans makes me scarier, more threatening, more evil, and potentially more violent?
She is a white cis woman, and I have such strong internalized hatred that I legitimately am scared that she’s going to inevitably feel like I’m a villain who will hurt her because I’m black and trans.
I can’t get the racial essentialist ideas about black people inherently being more “violent,” “aggressive,” and “predisposed to crime” out of my head. I can’t erase the outrageous discourse fearmongering about “trans women forcing cis lesbians to have sex with them” from my mind.
Last night, I was despairing because of this, so I asked her the question you see in the above quote. She responded with:
No angel 😞 that makes me sad that these thoughts cross your mind
I can’t empathize [with your internalized racism and internalized transphobia specifically] because I’ve never experienced it, but I can sympathize because I am a woman. I don’t see you any different than any other human because of your [race and gender identity], it’s irrelevant to me. I see you as superior [to many other humans] because of your compassion 💚💚💚
She has gone through internalized misogyny and internalized homophobia herself, so she gets what it’s like to have self-hatred on the basis of a marginalized identity.
Oftentimes, I’ve always felt like I’m an inferior being because of the intersection of multiple marginalized identities that I have going on. I still feel that way, and for some reason, I still continue to perpetuate it by casually referring to myself with disparaging terms like “freak,” “subhuman,” “abomination,” and “disgusting.”
However, I’ve been using a new term as of late, and that’s “monster.” I’m now feeling like I’m a violent, evil threat because I’m black and transfeminine. I don’t have urges to hurt anyone, be it through my words or through my hands, but I know myself as nothing more than a demon at this point.
That being said, it does make me happy knowing that she wholeheartedly accepts me as who I am. I’m not used to this, and when someone does tell me that they do accept me for who I am, I often regard it as performative. Knowing who she is as a person, it feels nothing but genuine coming from her.
My internalized bigotry may not be even close to gone, but there is hope. I often struggle to refrain from practices that ignite it. I still find it hard to abstain from using such degrading terms when referring to “what” I am.
“Human” feels very wrong to say, but I hope, one day, especially given the love of my partner, I can call myself that word and not feel like I’m uncomfortably lying to myself.
I can’t erase the outrageous discourse fearmongering about “trans women forcing cis lesbians to have sex with them” from my mind.
I’ll point out that that framing from transphobes presents cis lesbians as without agency, passively entering into relationships without choice. It’s a bit of misogyny snuck in under the pretense of “defending” women. So when those thoughts creep in, remember what it implies about your partner and how that doesn’t line up with the reality of who she is.
It is an absurdly common trope for most anti-trans rhetoric to really just be a two birds, one stone approach for being both transphobic and misogynistic simultaneously.
This isn’t shocking because gender essentialism inherently leads to misogyny. Unfortunately, not even all “feminists” realize this.
casually referring to myself with disparaging terms like “freak,” “subhuman,” “abomination,” and “disgusting.”
You’re certainly none of these things and while I have only seen you around for a little while now you are consistently one of the coolest posters on this weird little niche forum.
Don’t hate yourself, hate the haters. I will fucking fight them for you if I have to or get the chance.
Thank you 🥺
Glad to hear an update! Again, she sounds wonderful, and I’m happy to hear that you have each other
She truly makes me think beyond all of the hate and hardship I’ve gone through in my life, or at the very least, she distracts me more than I’d normally be without her.
Though my internalized bigotry brainworms are obviously still here, I feel a lot more calm knowing that I have even just one person this incredible by my side.
The negativity of 1,000 asshats affects me less than her positivity alone. I just hope that positivity can lead to me getting rid of the negativity I harbor towards myself.
That’s wonderful, I’m very happy to hear that. I hope you can help each other grow, it makes me sad to hear that you have such strong internalized bigotry, but seeing how she helps you cope with those feelings is awesome, and a great sign that she really cares for you in a special way.
toxic internalized thoughts can be so hard to get past, but I hope it gets easier to ignore them. I also hope you find more people that you feel wholeheartedly accepted by!
It’s especially hard when you’re intersectional like me because, for instance, I feel like I can’t trust a lot of non-black LGBT people, but I also feel like I can’t trust cishet black people. It starts feeling very difficult to be included when you’re like me, especially since a lot of people have brainworms without realizing it. Like, I’ve interacted with many white queer people who definitely were racist in the “unaware, out of touch white liberal” sense.
People like my partner really impress me, but that’s because it seems like the bar can be in hell sometimes. She, thus far, has not told me anything that even slightly indicates transphobic/racist brainworms. Love her a ton. She’s so deeply passionate about veganism that it seems she doesn’t have even the slightest bit of room or time to say anything discriminatory towards another person over their identity.
She sent me this when I talked to her a bit more after making this post:
Racists and transphobes are losers! There are so many more interesting things about you than your gender or skin color. You’re awesome, Angel! 💚
When I wrote a whole post on pitbull hysteria being part of a resurgeance of race essentialism and bioessentialism some people on THIS SITE even derided me for it and made jokes about “you can’t be racist about dogs”. Like way to fucking miss the point assholes.
Seems like you are doing well comrade. I can’t honestly say I can understand but I feel like I might. I feel like I have a similar emotion sometimes. I am a cis het white guy. Sometimes deepdown I am afraid I am a monster and dangerous. Which, statistically, I am more likely to be. So it is like the opposite chirality of your emotion. However if I attempt to talk to anyone about this they reflexively deny it. just sometimes am afraid I am monster that people instinctively assume is respectable and that I can’t fully trust myself or anyone around me or I might ruin everything. I think maybe there might just be a drop of shared liberalism core to the modern experience that sets those emotions up in a surprising diversity of people? I dunno. Does that help? Or am I being stupid about this?
As a cis white male I can’t pretend to know what you are going through, but I hope you find a way to trust and internalize what your partner says when she tells you the truth
You are not an “abomination” or a “monster”, and even if human feels wrong, you are my sister and a comrade
One day you’ll love yourself as much as you love your partner and she loves you, hang in there
Thank you 🥺
Your partner sounds like a real sweetheart and I’m happy you have each other. You are loved
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I don’t have the same story but in high school we had to read Frankenstein and that book messed me up a lot. I feel like many years later I’m over it but at the time I felt like a monster for the way my hormones made me feel and because I didn’t know how to talk to girls. That was a bad time, but it got better with time and I don’t feel that way anymore.
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