Remember to follow the Traaa com rules or else you are liable for any action that mods deem necessary

IMPORTANT SITE REMINDERS ARE LISTED AFTER THIS RANT (so please read all of it in order to find the rules >:3)

On this mega I shall take the opportunity to rant about one of my favorite things: the Webnovel UNJUST DEPTHS!

Do you love transgenders?

Do you love communism?

Do you love queer romance?

Do you love killing fascists in a giant fucking mech?

Would a plotline with all of these things happening in a underwater retro-futuristic gundam setting intrigue you?

Especially if its actually really well written with good characters, rich worldbuilding, and a marxist leninist transfem author?

All of the answers should be: YES I DO or else I WILL BAN YOU

Since you obviously love all of those things then Unjust Depths is perfect for YOU yes YOU! It is DESTINY

The Imbrian Ocean is at a time of severe instability. The monarch of the vast Empire that spans its unjust depths (:3) is sick and nearing death, every territory of the ocean now vying to carve their own Destiny out of the chaos. From the Volk fascists pigmask-off , Zionists hamas-base (they literally will not die why are they still here oh my god), The ‘Anarchists’ (social chauvanists) lenin-dont-laugh in Bosporus, and the monarchs gui-trans of each vast noble domain, each vies for power and prestige no matter who they crush underfoot, but it would be a pretty depressing story without a bright light in the dark.

On the edge of the Empire sits the glorious Union! The (Soviet) Union soviet-chad is a socialist federation of three states (and one anarchist mountain left-unity-4 )that were formerly slave colonies under the Imbrian Empire until they broke away in a fierce liberation war. They have spent the last 20 years since then building themselves up. Whether they be Human bridget-disco , Shimmi kbity-how (Catgirls who usually follow a religion closely related to modern Islam), and Kattaran transshork-happy (a hybrid humanoid species with characteristics of sea life ranging from sharks to cuttlefish)building socialism side by side.

First lead under the revolutionary leader Dashka Kansal, then the Idealist Ahwalia who lead the country to near ruin in pursuit of building a utopia on pillars of sand, then under the scientific socialist three-heads-thinking leadership of the Grand Marshall of the Union, Bhavani Jayanskar (I love Jayanskar so much shes basically as if Stalin, Lenin, and Zhukov were rolled into the same person but was a black lesbian badass who wore the uniform REALLY WELL)(she aint the main character at all tho shes only in very few scenes i just love her so much). Under Jayanskar, the Union has been growing their economy to both eliminate hunger and give everyone a home chad-stalin , but also growing their military capabilities for the inevitable return of the Empire. The Union is alone, but with the people by its side nothing, not even Destiny, can snuff out true freedoms light. specter

As war wages between the Empire and Republic (basically underwater USA) once more over the lands between them, the facade begins to finally crack…

And a border conflict between the Empire and Union escalate, and the dreaded reconquest begins.

Amidst this turmoil, lives our main characters (yes there are multiple and all of them are lovely). Each of whom I personally love dearly, and are very well characterized. Many are soldiers of the Union, some are scientists, some are divers (mech pilots), some are lost strands finding new meaning after joining this band of Brigands

All are Communists steban

All serve the Union USSR

All would gladly give their lives to defending socialism comrade-stoic

but even they would have little inkling of the adventure set in store for them as the lands beneath the waves erupt in fire, fury, and revolt

Can these transgender badasses kick fascist ass?

Can they kiss? (oh my god please kiss ISTG THERE IS SO MUCH SHIPPING AHHHH ITS GLORIOUS)

FIND OUT HERE: https://unjustdepths.com/

please do or else I will pout incessantly

just try it pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase i need to talk to someone about it after Cromalin went AFK

(I miss her, she was a real one)

REALLY IMPORTANT RULES BELOW, MUST READ

Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat

As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It’s for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.

Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.

  • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]@hexbear.net
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    smh rtstragedy being a DORK NERD again

    lol i find this endearing tbh, but for real I can relate a lot to Maria’s inner dialogue in Orange Book, she has that dorky energy for real. Her inner monologue about meeting Steph on the roof and thinking that lighting her cigarette would be patriarchal is so good lmfao, i don’t smoke but i can 100% relate to that scene anyway

    but thank you :) i’ve had a lot of bad experiences because someone got fed up with me talking too long or too late so i mediate and shorten my thoughts a lot. and of course, i want to be fair and accommodating as well.

    if banging these out on a phone wasn’t hard I’d do it way more lol.

    haha yeah, sometimes i don’t have a thing grabbing my attention at all and i just feel dead, so it’s nice to have internet friends i can chat with meow-melt

    I should get out my Thinkpad to type from bed more…

    damn that’s sick, the trackpads on laptops arent great for me and i’m picky about the feel of a keyboard (mushy = no typey) since i type so much lol, i also need a light touch keyboard, so my split keyb is as light as i could get full-size switches to be, but i still use the laptop keyboard in bed more edgeworth-shrug i hate being in my office since it’s a “work” place (how fucked up is that?! i pay for that room!!!)

    Woah based, awesome. Like thanks dad, I do not need to know about the stuff you joink it to though.

    sometimes he uh … overshares, i do NOT want to hear him talk about Stellar Blade, actually, I try to change the subject fast yikes

    (if it was literally anyone I wasn’t related to, I have basically 0 boundaries about basically anything in telling or hearing, btw)

    That’s so real, doing what you like, talking to internet dorks and daydreaming about long trainrides is such a better use of you time. We love to see it, don’t we folks?!

    i would have quit yesterday if i didn’t have a several thousand dollar per month mortgage lol, or maybe even a year ago, i feel so free today now that I gave up on pretending to care for work, but still have to work out the finances haha

    I have trouble when I’m spilling my guts or whatever and get nothing back, I was never good at the “rational response” honestly.

    i hear you, i get really really emotional about internet things. i hope it’s not too weird, i’m glad to hear it’s not just me

    frick hexbear’s 504 issue is so bad i want to Direct Neural Link (that’s a thing I just made up) you so that i dont have to refresh over and over to chat lol, i’m terrified of losing a big post one of these times

    (I show you my weird post pls reply )

    WHAT A GOOD POST OMG I AM SO GLAD I CALLED IN SICK TODAY SO THAT I COULD READ THAT i wrote a lot of words as a response, god your writing made me feel things, I haven’t even read the story but I still really enjoyed reading it!!!

    I’m pretty used to big posts/messages with lots of talking in em nowadays. Waaay better than whatever passes for “conversation” for neurotypicals lol

    damn is this normal? i have been missing out

    Safe partner no!!! You can do it bro, just reciprocate about the topic! Know it and get interested smh!!! What are partners for…

    kitty-cri-texas i talk like these posts above ^ except that my thoughts are less ordered, so he gets overwhelmed and is unable to keep everything in his head, and he doesn’t want to interrupt, so he doesn’t. then he forgets everything except the last thing i said and then i just madeline-stare at him and he gets stressed, lol. we should just talk over text.

    Oh god I just don’t think about this, I skate by on vibes. If I thought this shit through it would probably stress me to death. I sometimes try to gauge interest level from other people but most I am

    hmmmmmm this is kind of a good idea tbh, maybe i shouldn’t worry about it. i guess i care about people like a super lot and want to be the Best Person Ever for them, so I am worried about how they think and feel in order to be decent. Some of that is probably problematic for my own needs though curious-marx

    It’s better than nothing, and if they wanna ask me stuff I can yap for hours. I do get irritated if nobody has seen THE THING but it’s not other people’s fault, I guess.

    I hope as a substitute, you will accept me talking about a related thing this time instead :)

    but, tbh, I like your recommendations, everything I’ve gotten into because of you has been so cool so far, so I’m looking forward to more once I work through the current batch.

    Okay but I outright cannot do math, the Commodore 64 User’s Manual is my sleep paralysis demon. Integers…

    I’m pretty sure I have some form of dyscalculia, tbh. Luckily the programming I do is mostly not math, just logic, and categorizing things, so I get by. When I have to do mental math I start sweating and my minuses and plusses and multiplies and divides get all mixed up, and when I have to do math in code I fucking die lol, coding games is tough for me, mostly I just find someone else’s solution or a library to do the math for me.

    (Also, I did do BASIC on a C64 when I was tiny (whatever short form makes sense for my name) and I fucking hated it tbh. Most modern programming languages are way easier to work with)

    also sleep paralysis gang yoooo i used to sleep on my stomach and wake up suffocating and unable to move lmao. then i had surgery to get my gall bladder out and for some reason i went from 4 or 5 times a week to like 1 or 2 times every few months. how tf does that work?

    Y’know u rite, fuck irl meatspace. Cyber penpals gang.

    fuck yes

    Oh god I’m so sorry, this wins MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE READ TODAY award my condolences…

    yep totally, fuck irl meatspace tbh

    Let’s see ya, let’s infodump!!! People write big posts here all the fuckin time, lol. Also no, this doesn’t fit on one screen either lmao

    I have a rough draft of one I’m working on. I want to get screenshots. It’s going to take some time. I’m going to go all out, and I bet no one will read it lmao. But I will. Maybe you will.

    • ashinadash [she/her]@hexbear.net
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      I almost always mean DORK and NERD as endearing :3 But yeah, one of the things that’s great about Maria is she genuinely believes she is hardcore and cool and aloof and stuff, but you tear back one layer and actually she’s a nerd plus punk albums, lmao.

      It’s good to keep being accommodating and fair in mind, I do appreciate it, but also no worries! thonk I keep knowing autistic transfemmes who are apologetic about talking too much…

      i don’t have a thing grabbing my attention at all and i just feel dead,

      The “refreshing your inbox staring into the void” vibe, lol. INBOX, SHOW ME THE QUEERS IN MY COMPUTER!!!

      (how fucked up is that?! i pay for that room!!!)

      Pretty fucked up, not a fan. Someone should do something about this illegal-to-say And yeah trackpads suck, but I was raised on old laptops so it’s nothing to me lol. I am not a normal computer user…

      overshares, i do NOT want to hear him talk about Stellar Blade, actually,

      fidel-wut Your dad… I don’t even, at least he’s not ashamed. And I agree, I’m pretty open about stuff and not that stressed, but when it comes to family idk, ech.

      i feel so free today now that I gave up on pretending to care for work,

      waow-based Fuck finances tho

      i get really really emotional about internet things.

      bocchi-cry I have cried over internet fights and shit often. If you’re weird so am I…

      WHAT A GOOD POST OMG

      madeline-smug Finally the accolades I have always deserved smh!!!

      damn is this normal?

      It’s definitely not but I try to normalise it everywhere I go. Not everybody can do it, these giant replies, but I think autistic people (and everybody else) should be free to yap neurodiversely. I love to see it.

      he gets overwhelmed and is unable to keep everything in his head, and he doesn’t want to interrupt, so he doesn’t. then he forgets everything except the last thing i said

      Oh no kitty-cri-screm you gotta record your ramblings so he can listen back lol, that’s brutal though. It does make me sad when neuro… diversities? are incompatible? blocky-wat Safe Partner is supposed to be NT I thought, but to me this feels like an ‘autism and adhd people have difficulties’ kinda thing.

      maybe i shouldn’t worry about it.

      Yeah I’m not saying like, never care about these sorts of things, but I think you should just try to look at how the other person is interacting and what they’re saying, do they seem like they’re having difficulties? If no dw about it, I guess. You can ask maybe, but Idk.

      you will accept me talking about a related thing this time instead :)

      YES emilie-smug

      everything I’ve gotten into because of you has been so cool so far,

      susie-dance Unh unh I’m so good, unh unh I don’t miss spongebob-party I’m a deeply annoying person in that I have absurd views on media and ridiculous exacting standards, I’m glad people appreciate my recs 'cause I suffer to find the good shit sometimes, lol.

      Luckily the programming I do is mostly not math, just logic,

      kitty-cri-screm I WANT THIS, GOD I WISH THAT WERE ME! I’m computers, let me program pls smh!!! I think most people like modern languages more than BASIC, but you’re supposed to be a FORTRAN/COBOL stan and own a PDP-10 smh.

      i used to sleep on my stomach and wake up suffocating and unable to move lmao.

      omori-afraid Please don’t let this happen, dear gall bladder god let me be sleepy in peace…

      But I will. Maybe you will.

      Post it in the games comm and stuff, and then @ me and I will read your thingy :3

      • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]@hexbear.net
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        I almost always mean DORK and NERD as endearing :3

        totes, that’s how i took it. i cant describe why i like the feeling of people i trust poking fun at me a little bit, but it’s a good feeling for me. this counts for that imo

        It’s good to keep being accommodating and fair in mind, I do appreciate it, but also no worries! I keep knowing autistic transfemmes who are apologetic about talking too much…

        noted, haha, and i’m not surprised by that, people who talk a lot probably cluster together, and you’re either apologetic about it or you’re not, i guess?

        The “refreshing your inbox staring into the void” vibe, lol. INBOX, SHOW ME THE QUEERS IN MY COMPUTER!!!

        lol yep, when i dont have something i literally just feel dead and like everything is pointless. learning that I should be doing something SI-related pretty much every day is helping.

        Pretty fucked up, not a fan. Someone should do something about this

        thonk-cri

        And yeah trackpads suck, but I was raised on old laptops so it’s nothing to me lol. I am not a normal computer user…

        oh wow, i want to hear more about that!!

        Your dad… I don’t even, at least he’s not ashamed.

        tbh it might be autism

        And I agree, I’m pretty open about stuff and not that stressed, but when it comes to family idk, ech.

        i have an absolute burning desire to share my innermost secrets with anyone who will listen, if they give me permission lol (and probably not in a public forum), but there are a couple of things that i would count as exceptions - and they are all about positive feelings like sex or liking people too much or other things i’ll share later when i’m ready lol

        Fuck finances tho

        yep, still not really sure what to do, still processing everything

        I have cried over internet fights and shit often. If you’re weird so am I…

        OH MY GOD, THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS. yes, i remember everyone’s name on here (actually it’s easier with pfps) and there are certain people i love to death and if they were ever mad at me, like actually mad, not mad that i’m being stupid, i would 100% cry

        Finally the accolades I have always deserved smh!!!

        lmao i mean it though, your writing is good. loved the way you expressed it, you must have worked really hard on that!!

        It’s definitely not but I try to normalise it everywhere I go. Not everybody can do it, these giant replies, but I think autistic people (and everybody else) should be free to yap neurodiversely. I love to see it.

        thank you!

        to me this feels like an ‘autism and adhd people have difficulties’ kinda thing.

        i’m diagnosed ADHD, suspected autism, which would make me AuDHD I guess. He is … well, he scores low on most of the tests (yes I have made him do a lot of them), but he also does the classic thing where he questions every question and needs more context in order to answer them. He’s like the meme of “no, i do not struggle wearing socks, for i have a System” and he scored pretty high on the RAADS-R, but none of the other ones. He doesn’t do a lot of social things and is pretty quiet, I want him and magi to talk as I think the two of them would have a lot in common lol but he’s not much of an online talker, more likes . But who knows, it’s also possible that my rambling is so incoherent (lol I’m curious as to what you’d think of my speech style if you heard it tbh) that it’s really really difficult to follow.

        I think you should just try to look at how the other person is interacting and what they’re saying, do they seem like they’re having difficulties? If no dw about it, I guess.

        i will try

        I’m a deeply annoying person in that I have absurd views on media and ridiculous exacting standards, I’m glad people appreciate my recs 'cause I suffer to find the good shit sometimes, lol.

        you suffer so i can read about Maria and be like “literally me fr fr except the heroin lol”

        I’m computers, let me program pls smh!!!

        I got my start in Visual Basic, and I made chatbots for a precursor to Second Life called Active Worlds. I spent a lot of time there because that’s where my friends were, and being able to show them the cool things I made was a huge factor in it.

        I’m not sure what kind of language I’d recommend to start, maybe I’d divide it out into a few categories…

        Game Stuff

        • Godot/GDScript (GDScript is very Python-like as well)
        • Lua/Minecraft (tons of modpacks include ComputerCraft and you can do stuff ingame by writing scripts, it’s a nice sandbox :). I haven’t done like a lot of it but I’ve Lua’d a little)
        • (I would not recommend Unity/C# or Unreal/whatever it uses since proprietary software bleh)
        • (I would not recommend to start with Rust/Bevy as it is very advanced, but I LOVE IT OMG) I hear coding mods for Terraria is also a good exercise for newbies too, but I haven’t really tried.
        • A lot of programmers these days I think get their start making mods for games.
        • Also, have you considered learning ChoiceScript? You’re an excellent writer, and it’s possible you would enjoy learning to write interactive fiction as well! The language looks relatively simple as well, now that I’ve seen a bit of it (although I’m not sure what the tooling is like!). I’m sure GenderIsOpSec and I could help out too.

        App Stuff

        • Python (easy to start, just write a script, every Linux distro comes with Python pre-installed since it’s such a core part of the Linux ecosystem)
        • If you’re brave, Go? It’s much lower level though, you’ll be like “wtf are all these *s everywhere??”

        Web Stuff

        • Python + a framework (I think Django is the big one, but Flask is good for simpler things? if you want to go this route let me know and I’ll do some research for you) (easy to start)
        • Ruby + Rails, if you hate Python
        • Rust + rocket.rs, if you like things to be really really hard immediately

        These are the languages I actually know, a star denotes I use it at work:

        • Rust (my holy grail, but VERY VERY advanced language that I would not recommend to half of the Senior Devs I work with even) for Web Dev, Game Dev, App Dev, lol it does everything it’s beautiful I need everyone to know what Rust is and learn it
        • Ruby (with Rails, is a web framework, it’s ok, it’s like Python’s cousin, very similar)
        • PHP (another cousin of Python)
        • *Go (Google’s worse version of Rust)
        • *Javascript/TypeScript (this bothers my rules autism so bad because of all the inconsistent crap accumulated in the language over the years, shit like == vs === makes me so mad, and also it’s not Rust. I do TypeScript for work tho)
        • *C# (this is like Rust’s Microsoft-owned cousin, but it’s a decent language if you can handle Microsoft. Wouldn’t use it for personal projects BECAUSE RUST EXISTS I LOVE RUST) Some smaller ones like BASH (for Linux scripting), a bit of Lua (Lua might actually be a good start, you can program computers in Minecraft using ComputerCraft, addons in Wow, and a ton of game engines use it as a scripting language on top of C++)

        I never learned Fortran, or COBOL. I have no desire to lol. I taught myself to code in like 6th grade, the first app I made was a dumb calculator app in Visual Basic 5 because I hated doing math lol and it was easy. No one around me cared when I showed them, lol. “i made an app pls respond” was my life when I was young, but eventually I had a couple friends online that would be like “cool” sometimes. That little acknowledgement carried me through :) I’m sure programming is impossible for some people to learn, maybe even the majority of people, but I hope that if you want you can find a way to make learning it work for you, and I am happy to help when I am able.

        Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is … if you want to learn, there’s a huge amount of variability in difficulty based on what kind of thing you’re doing, and surprisingly little of it needs you to sweat out an algebraic formula. I got my start making games, and if you’re interested in Godot (+GDScript, nice easy language to learn, and Godot includes a visual editor and all sorts of stuff) you can search it up on YouTube or read through the really nice documentation (and I can give specific recs if desired). Of course, have to keep expectations low at first, even just getting a game running where you can move around an empty void is a big deal!! And I recommend 2d instead of 3d, at least at first, especially if math hard, since the 2d math is way easier. If you see the word Quaternion, you should run screaming. It’s a big scary math thing, I hate them, I hate them I hate them I know why they are used but I Hate Them. I interact with them as little as possible. lucky that most frameworks let you be like player.rotation.rotateY(playerRotationSpeed) lol so you don’t need to do dumb cross products and matrix multiplication. There are a lot of scary math things in 3d gamedev, but engines can hide some/most of that from you and the rest you might be able to just search up online.

        I’ve been working on a couple projects in Rust lately, I think that it may be a bit overwhelming to someone with less experience, but I’m happy to share it with you anyway if you’d like! (the dumb Link to the Past ripoff I’m working on is like 6000 lines of code lmfao I was doing 12 hour days on it earlier this year, but I’m too stubborn to use libraries when I could write things myself. It BARELY DOES ANYTHING lmfao why did I write a level editor?! Tiled exists and is free!). I mostly write code for the joy of writing it, it’s like building Lego for me, the end product isn’t as important.

        you’re supposed to be a FORTRAN/COBOL stan and own a PDP-10 smh.

        lol that’s funny, where I’m from you’re supposed to be wearing thigh-high socks, cat ears, running Arch Linux on an old Thinkpad, and coding in Rust. I finally just got my programmer socks in the mail (not joking) lol.

        ah frick, text limit again, i’ll finish in another reply

        • ashinadash [she/her]@hexbear.net
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          i cant describe why i like the feeling of people i trust poking fun at me a little bit,

          I dunno, here I guess “dork” and “nerd” are so harmless? They don’t even have negative definitions really. So using them that way is kinda funny I guess :3

          people who talk a lot probably cluster together,

          God I sure fucking hope so, and I want them to apologise less for it.

          learning that I should be doing something SI-related pretty much every day is helping.

          lea-think I do this… almost every day… my special interests…

          i want to hear more about that!!

          What really? Uh I dunno, most of my laptops as a kid were Walmart specials, old donated thinkpads or netbooks. Intel isntrael Graphics were the bane of my existence, and due to autism clumsiness I ended up killing several with spilt liquids. The fifth one, a Thinkpad E530 from highschool, is actually still around despite brutal treatment.

          i have an absolute burning desire to share my innermost secrets with anyone who will listen,

          Okay this is good to know, I was wondering if I had done something weird when you kept saying ‘oops never once said that to anyone before’ and similar, but if you just wanna share stuff that seems pretty good to me nia-peace

          yes, i remember everyone’s name on here (actually it’s easier with pfps)

          Same same, and yeah I feel you. Often I find myself frustrated and angry crying from online fights, but also yea certain bearzone people I’d be pretty sad if they got mad at me haha.

          loved the way you expressed it, you must have worked really hard on that!!

          waow-based What if I told you I slapped that out at 5am one day…

          i’m diagnosed ADHD, suspected autism, which would make me AuDHD I guess.

          Very nice, love to see it. Your boyfriend makes me laugh though, Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified maybe? His sock system… and huh, perhaps. Partner chatter…

          you suffer so i can read about Maria and be like “literally me fr fr except the heroin lol”

          yea Although it tends to be the further I move out from Topside stuff the worse it gets. Me reading Alison Rumfitt lol

          Uh I have heard of Active Worlds, oh god wtf that’s too much programming stuff, oh god that’s horrifying. Only bits and pieces, if you wanna talk to me about programming we should do it in smaller messages sometime lol.

          Also, have you considered learning ChoiceScript? You’re an excellent writer,

          thonk Overcoming my embarrassment and lack of ideas to write Nevada inflected fruity lil twine games…

          If you’re brave, Go? It’s much lower level though,

          I’m not brave but the world needs more low level languages. Retvrn to assembly.

          surprisingly little of it needs you to sweat out an algebraic formula.

          No, I will trip up on grade school arithmetic even. I am never going to do anything hobbyist or creative I will continue reading books.

          That’s not more comforting, isn’t it…

          Nah it’s okay I was 99% kidding. I’m not that worried though sleep paralysis sounds like hell.

          It’s probably gonna hit the text limit

          lets-fucking-go

          • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]@hexbear.net
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            I dunno, here I guess “dork” and “nerd” are so harmless? They don’t even have negative definitions really. So using them that way is kinda funny I guess :3

            totes

            due to autism clumsiness I ended up killing several with spilt liquids.

            i have put multiple phones through the washing machines, spilt so much shit on laptops. omg

            The fifth one, a Thinkpad E530 from highschool, is actually still around despite brutal treatment.

            classic, i think that qualifies for the programmer meme

            Okay this is good to know, I was wondering if I had done something weird when you kept saying ‘oops never once said that to anyone before’ and similar

            yeah i like talking abut myself, people don’t generally make me feel comfortable like someone who is willing to go 20 replies deep with me does (it’s been really rare to have that experience though, i can’t think of another time tbh…)

            if you’re worried about something, i don’t mind if you ask

            Often I find myself frustrated and angry crying from online fights

            extremely avoidant of fights of all kinds here

            certain bearzone people I’d be pretty sad if they got mad at me haha.

            yep

            What if I told you I slapped that out at 5am one day…

            i thought you might say that. i think it’s usually one or the other for me

            Your boyfriend makes me laugh though, Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified maybe?

            I don’t know much about PDD-NOS (but it’s possible! I wouldn’t be surprised if he was some kind of ND, like maybe ADHD-PI), and the sock thing was an example, like he’ll ask a bunch of questions for each question lol and i just have to be like “idk that’s what it says.” I was confused earlier, he actually scored high on the RBQ-2A, not the RAADS-R. Tired.

            Although it tends to be the further I move out from Topside stuff the worse it gets. Me reading Alison Rumfitt lol

            maybe someday soon I will know the name. one book at a time and soon i’ll have read all the Ash canon…

            Uh I have heard of Active Worlds,

            really? I’m surprised that anyone younger than me knows about it tbh

            oh god wtf that’s too much programming stuff, oh god that’s horrifying. Only bits and pieces, if you wanna talk to me about programming we should do it in smaller messages sometime lol.

            oh, ok sorry. i probably got a little too excited, programming is my biggest thing lol. the only marketable skill/passion i have haha. maybe i’ll hold off @ you and if you have specific questions you can ask any time and i’ll try to keep it concise?

            embarrassment and lack of ideas

            fuck, i feel called out by this. this is the biggest reason i can’t make anything creative. i force myself just to remake existing things because even if i do have an idea it gets way too big. remaking things is good for building my skills, it’s not like i need to care about copyright or anything if it’s just for me to get better.

            No, I will trip up on grade school arithmetic even.

            i feel that tbh, basic arithmetic requires so much mental energy and it sucks. all the time when i’m at work and some easy math thing comes up, i’ve always been like 10 seconds behind everyone trying to count (jfc i can’t subtract 2 numbers in my head). luckily someone else is usually faster and says the answer out loud, so i can follow at least. i can spend an hour trying to figure out how to write a simple date comparison, and still get it wrong, its bad. i don’t know how people actually think i’m good at my job. percentage calculations?? “easy” multiplication? bitwise operators? anything involving a negative sign? i’ll fuck it up, it’ll go to production, and people will get mischarged. yes, this happened… sigh… i did so bad in math because of it, i also did so bad in english because i couldnt write essays. i have only one skill, no degree in it (flunked out of college, also was transitioning at that time tbf), just work experience and confidence.

            fuck, this kinda made me sad actually, sorry. i don’t mean to imply anything about your abilites with this, i’m only just realizing that there’s a name for this kind of thing and thinking out loud for myself.

            idk about this paragraph on retrospect, probably comes across wrong, sorry

            I’m not that worried though sleep paralysis sounds like hell.

            oh, you were being figurative, probably, about the sleep paralysis demon… lol

            • ashinadash [she/her]@hexbear.net
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              2 months ago
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              i have put multiple phones through the washing machines, spilt so much shit on laptops. omg

              i-cant I got better about it by not putting drinks near my laptop tbh.

              classic, i think that qualifies for the programmer meme

              The E530 is kind of a dogshit thinkpad but yea I have three or four thinkpads lol. I do not code however

              i like talking abut myself, people don’t generally make me feel comfortable like someone who is willing to go 20 replies deep with me does

              waow-based People should do this more often tbh.

              extremely avoidant of fights of all kinds here

              It is easier here because the average hexbear is miles above the average internet denizen for quality. Decent people here imho, especially the queer ones.

              i thought you might say that. i think it’s usually one or the other for me

              I once spent a whole week writing about a romance novel, that was 6500 words. But generally I get on an “infodump roll” and it all comes cascading out in a day or two lmao. That’s how my most sincere writing happens…

              like he’ll ask a bunch of questions for each question lol and i just have to be like “idk that’s what it says.”

              Sigh, I approve of Questions Man tbqh. Nice!

              maybe someday soon I will know the name.

              Not Rummfitt, her book sucks lmao. One of the worst horror novels I have read.

              I’m surprised that anyone younger than me knows about it tbh

              I mostly heard about it as an inexplicable artifact honestly. I think it’s also the only active software using Renderware anymore?

              oh, ok sorry. i probably got a little too excited,

              Yeah I dunno, I’ll probably never be able to do it, it’s whatever. I do appreciate that you wrote so much out though, I did read everything fwiw.

              this is the biggest reason i can’t make anything creative.

              Kind of sucks, at least remaking things is good practice though. And you have ideas even if they get too big, that’s something.

              idk about this paragraph on retrospect

              Nah I thought it was fine, don’t worry. I guess I have some kind of lingering shit around not just reactionary postsecondary institutions but also educational/academic ability generally.

              oh, you were being figurative, probably,

              yeag :)

              • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]@hexbear.net
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                2 months ago
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                okay, this is going to be a short reply since i’ve been blowing your inbox up for 2 (3? how does time?) days now and i’m sure you want to be doing other things too lol

                I got better about it by not putting drinks near my laptop tbh.

                lol yep, i have a sippy cup water bottle that Partner bought for me, i have dropped it SO MUCH, on SO MANY keyboards lmfao i’m pretty sure i’m a brain transplant. i refuse to have anything with an open top on my desk (coffee mug also has a sealing lid)

                The E530 is kind of a dogshit thinkpad but I have three or four thinkpads lol.

                thats cool as shit, i dont know individual Thinkpad models but i would 100% read/listen to an infodump on it.

                People should do this more often tbh.

                my take on this is that if someone is willing to put up with this much from me, that i should appreciate them and try to fight my own fears of being seen as my real self, push past my mask and try and be as honest as possible. so, thank you (and also i agree, wtf, barely anyone lets me finish omg, or i can tell they’re not listening, or they’re overwhelmed. bah, text-based communication it is for me)

                It is easier here because the average hexbear is miles above the average internet denizen for quality. Decent people here imho, especially the queer ones.

                yeah, agree. i learned not to post back in my 4chan days, and from no one responding to me on Facebook. this place good. i have an absolute cutie in my inbox right now talking to me about Castle of the Winds and it is precious i love it i have to respond

                I once spent a whole week writing about a romance novel, that was 6500 words. But generally I get on an “infodump roll” and it all comes cascading out in a day or two lmao. That’s how my most sincere writing happens…

                absolutely. i think i got the text done for a post that i’m sure no one will read lol, and while i was working on the boring bits and framing devices slowly over the past few days, i got really emotional about all of it today and wrote something absolutely heart-wrenching (to me), and suddenly the entire post changed from something about a dumb game into something really really deeply personal that i didn’t even know i was feeling until I started crying lol. just need to get all the screenshots together which i’ll do tonight (gotta move my PC from the living room to the dining room where my non-office desk is on the table lol). ready to receive 2 upvotes and 0 replies! lol. (gotta keep those expectations ankle high so that i’m not disappointed … or something) (i really hope it doesn’t turn out like the Skyrim thread, oh god)

                Sigh, I approve of Questions Man tbqh. Nice!

                he actually got a whole bunch of dental work done yesterday and he came home a totally different person - he feels alive to me again. i’m not able to talk today so we’re chatting over text lol, i didn’t realize how much the dental stuff was weighing on him over the past few months (neither did he) poor guy. so nice to have him back

                Not Rummfitt, her book sucks lmao. One of the worst horror novels I have read.

                noted. at this point, i’d probably just ask you about a book before i started reading it, we clearly have similar tastes

                I mostly heard about it as an inexplicable artifact honestly. I think it’s also the only active software using Renderware anymore?

                active? wow! it’s still around? i’m not going back, but that’s right i remember it having a little scripting language and trying to figure out how to load rwx models into my own games. i couldn’t get a bootleg dev kit for renderware or else i would have used it for my AW clone, lol. all of the completely stupid copycat things i’d build had vgmusic .mid s playing in them to to really sell the vibe. and random teleports when you click on things. magical.

                Yeah I dunno, I’ll probably never be able to do it, it’s whatever. I do appreciate that you wrote so much out though, I did read everything fwiw.

                thank you for saying that, i hope … idk which outcome for you, but i hope you can feel good about it no matter the outcome, whether you can or can’t, or do or don’t, you know? or at least make peace with it? i’m messed up still about some stuff i want to do but can’t too, i don’t know how to be ok about it. i rant about this further down.

                aside, i’m in a meeting right now where people are talking about security & compliance “review” (ie. one guy at the company becoming defacto yet another barrier to actually doing my job) for every line of code and i just want to die, i hate programming lol, i tried to do anything else in college like medicine, psychology… did horribly. i would love to switch careers, maybe become a medical lab tech or the person that takes blood or something.

                Kind of sucks, at least remaking things is good practice though. And you have ideas even if they get too big, that’s something.

                totally, but the “big ideas” are rare and i usually tear them up anyway because they don’t feel authentic, like i’m copying someone else, or assembling things together, or i don’t like it the next day. i’ve given up kinda on being any kind of artist except something like a raccoon, stringing together trash and memes into a slurry (do raccoons do this?), and even that feels unauthentic, like some kind of defense mechanism. idk, i clearly am conflicted about many things haha.

                Nah I thought it was fine, don’t worry. I guess I have some kind of lingering shit around not just reactionary postsecondary institutions but also educational/academic ability generally.

                cat-trans

                i may not know exactly what you’re referring to (other than your previous comment) but i definitely feel a bit of that. the only courses i could do well in were electrical engineering ones in highschool (i liked breadboarding & soldering a lot, it’s really just a stim, you place the chips, figure out how to run the wires, cut the wires, put them in the right spots, line everything up nice and neat…, except i was slow and exhausted all the time lol because boolean logic and binary addition is kinda math, isn’t it?), or programming related. essays? can’t write them (i know right?! i am writing a billion words right now). math? like running a marathon. ask me to read The Road (college literature course required for a degree that i fucking flunked and re-took 3 times and still failed)? can’t get past the second chapter, and definitely not with all the other courses. I have a brain made for programming, adventure games, IQ tests (which are fucking stupid … ugh, I don’t have the words to describe them), and queer fiction, but not much else. “gifted” my ass

                once, a teacher shouted at me, in front of my parents (who were across the country, so over the phone) for “not trying.” i literally didn’t even remember this until my mom mentioned it a few weeks ago, i must have disassociated out of the galaxy lol.

                uhh, anyway, if you want to share anytime feel free

                …shit, i literally cannot write a short post.

                • ashinadash [she/her]@hexbear.net
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                  2 months ago
                  A SHORT REPLY LMFAO

                  As soon as I read that my eyebrow went up.

                  i have a sippy cup water bottle

                  waow-based Yeah I destroyed a lot of keyboards and stuff too, lol. Drainage holes on thinkpads are important, my E530 has endured water, soda and soup at various points, still chuggin.

                  i dont know individual Thinkpad models but i would 100% read/listen to an infodump on it.

                  I mean, I could be /g/ for you, it’s mostly pretty tame stuff though. Aside from chiclet keys I do not have many hot takes.

                  try to fight my own fears of being seen as my real self, push past my mask and try and be as honest as possible.

                  This is just a good thing to learn in general! But also you are welcome meow-petted I can relate, in person this much chatter might be a bit much to parse, lol

                  i have an absolute cutie in my inbox right now talking to me about Castle of the Winds and it is precious i love it i have to respond

                  lets-fucking-go

                  i got the text done for a post that i’m sure no one will read lol

                  I read it. madeline-stare The little personal anecdotes and such randomly interspersed into the game stuff make it standout, good post.

                  poor guy. so nice to have him back

                  party-blob RETURN OF SAFE PARTNER party-blob

                  we clearly have similar tastes

                  brow Are you sure… I am a fuckin freak…

                  all of the completely stupid copycat things i’d build had vgmusic .mid s playing in them to to really sell the vibe. and random teleports when you click on things. magical.

                  Oh no this is so based though… magical indeed…

                  thank you for saying that, i hope … idk which outcome for you, but i hope you can feel good about

                  Idk, I doubt I’ll get peace with it anytime soon. I guess I’m glad I don’t code though…

                  the “big ideas” are rare and i usually tear them up anyway because they don’t feel authentic, like i’m copying someone else, or assembling things together,

                  You become a transformative raccoon at some point though right? All great creators take and update.

                  The fact that western postsecondary education is your enemy means that we are comrades in arms, you can call upon me if you ever start a hostile takeover of any educational institution and I will fight to the last breath alongside you against our oppressors. We will make the slime that passes for “educators” in this sick western society pay their debt.

                  • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]@hexbear.net
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                    2 months ago

                    haha i have been endlessly refreshing to see if i get more replies on the other post, so i saw this as soon as you posted it… see the trick to get me to post shortly is to somehow get me not to respond when i’m supposed to be working lol.

                    i don't remember why we are spoiler tagging tbh

                    As soon as I read that my eyebrow went up.

                    I surprised myself with that post lol. I was trying … too much to say…

                    Drainage holes on thinkpads are important

                    wait, what?! why have I never heard of this? that’s so clever!!

                    I mean, I could be /g/ for you, it’s mostly pretty tame stuff though. Aside from chiclet keys I do not have many hot takes.

                    tbh, they don’t need to be hot takes for me to enjoy reading them. i also like cool takes, room temperature, chilled, iced, i like all kinds. i do remember /g/, i sure did get some bad qualities it took me a while to purge from there tbh

                    I can relate, in person this much chatter might be a bit much to parse, lol

                    i promise i do not talk this much in person. although … if we had met in person, i wonder what the conversation would have been like… would i have talked a lot, or a little? a lot of the time in person i just listen, esp if someone is capital T Talking about something they like, or sometimes make dumb jokes. i’m sure it would have been very different. this is better

                    The little personal anecdotes and such randomly interspersed into the game stuff make it standout, good post.

                    kitty-cri thank you. i don’t really know what my expectations were … but i enjoyed writing it, and hearing that made it all worth it.

                    Are you sure… I am a fuckin freak…

                    i really liked your Imago post idk, and everything else you’ve liked that I’ve had time to get into has been pretty cool. i’m sure there will be something eventually, but ngl i kinda just wanted to respond with “try me”

                    Idk, I doubt I’ll get peace with it anytime soon. I guess I’m glad I don’t code though…

                    meow-hug

                    You become a transformative raccoon at some point though right? All great creators take and update.

                    this is true, but i only learned about it a little while ago when Partner was watching videos on making pixel art for the game he was helping me with. I’m not sure I’ve gotten that far though

                    The fact that western postsecondary education is your enemy means that we are comrades in arms, you can call upon me if you ever start a hostile takeover of any educational institution and I will fight to the last breath alongside you against our oppressors. We will make the slime that passes for “educators” in this sick western society pay their debt.

                    based

                    edit: well fuck this one actually looked short to me, i think it’s all the quotes that make it look long. must be, mmhmm.

        • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]@hexbear.net
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          2 months ago

          oh, one more thing, there’s also some games that will secretly teach you programing… most of the Zachtronics games are like this and usually have little interesting stories too. Safe Partner recommends Human Resource Machine as well but I havent played it.

          That being said, sorry I got ahead of myself, I am not sure what your experience level is like, should have asked first.

        • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]@hexbear.net
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          2 months ago

          Please don’t let this happen, dear gall bladder god let me be sleepy in peace…

          oh no!! I didn’t mean to put this fear on you. I think it was the surgeries when I was young, something funky broke in my brain from the general anesthetic. That’s not more comforting, isn’t it… :/

          Post it in the games comm and stuff, and then @ me and I will read your thingy :3

          I am working on it a little bit each day. It’s gonna have screenshots! It’s gonna be badly written! It’s probably gonna hit the text limit (well, actually, that depends)