Remember to follow the Traaa com rules or else you are liable for any action that mods deem necessary
IMPORTANT SITE REMINDERS ARE LISTED AFTER THIS RANT (so please read all of it in order to find the rules >:3)
On this mega I shall take the opportunity to rant about one of my favorite things: the Webnovel UNJUST DEPTHS!
Do you love transgenders?
Do you love communism?
Do you love queer romance?
Do you love killing fascists in a giant fucking mech?
Would a plotline with all of these things happening in a underwater retro-futuristic gundam setting intrigue you?
Especially if its actually really well written with good characters, rich worldbuilding, and a marxist leninist transfem author?
All of the answers should be: YES I DO or else I WILL BAN YOU
Since you obviously love all of those things then Unjust Depths is perfect for YOU yes YOU! It is DESTINY
The Imbrian Ocean is at a time of severe instability. The monarch of the vast Empire that spans its unjust depths (:3) is sick and nearing death, every territory of the ocean now vying to carve their own Destiny out of the chaos. From the Volk fascists 
, Zionists 
(they literally will not die why are they still here oh my god), The ‘Anarchists’ (social chauvanists) 
in Bosporus, and the monarchs 
of each vast noble domain, each vies for power and prestige no matter who they crush underfoot, but it would be a pretty depressing story without a bright light in the dark.
On the edge of the Empire sits the glorious Union! The (Soviet) Union 
is a socialist federation of three states (and one anarchist mountain 
)that were formerly slave colonies under the Imbrian Empire until they broke away in a fierce liberation war. They have spent the last 20 years since then building themselves up. Whether they be Human 
, Shimmi 
(Catgirls who usually follow a religion closely related to modern Islam), and Kattaran 
(a hybrid humanoid species with characteristics of sea life ranging from sharks to cuttlefish)building socialism side by side.
First lead under the revolutionary leader Dashka Kansal, then the Idealist Ahwalia who lead the country to near ruin in pursuit of building a utopia on pillars of sand, then under the scientific socialist 
leadership of the Grand Marshall of the Union, Bhavani Jayanskar (I love Jayanskar so much shes basically as if Stalin, Lenin, and Zhukov were rolled into the same person but was a black lesbian badass who wore the uniform REALLY WELL)(she aint the main character at all tho shes only in very few scenes i just love her so much). Under Jayanskar, the Union has been growing their economy to both eliminate hunger and give everyone a home 
, but also growing their military capabilities for the inevitable return of the Empire. The Union is alone, but with the people by its side nothing, not even Destiny, can snuff out true freedoms light. 
As war wages between the Empire and Republic (basically underwater USA) once more over the lands between them, the facade begins to finally crack…
And a border conflict between the Empire and Union escalate, and the dreaded reconquest begins.
Amidst this turmoil, lives our main characters (yes there are multiple and all of them are lovely). Each of whom I personally love dearly, and are very well characterized. Many are soldiers of the Union, some are scientists, some are divers (mech pilots), some are lost strands finding new meaning after joining this band of Brigands
All are Communists 
All serve the Union 
All would gladly give their lives to defending socialism 
but even they would have little inkling of the adventure set in store for them as the lands beneath the waves erupt in fire, fury, and revolt
Can these transgender badasses kick fascist ass?
Can they kiss? (oh my god please kiss ISTG THERE IS SO MUCH SHIPPING AHHHH ITS GLORIOUS)
FIND OUT HERE: https://unjustdepths.com/
please do or else I will pout incessantly
just try it pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase i need to talk to someone about it after Cromalin went AFK
(I miss her, she was a real one)
REALLY IMPORTANT RULES BELOW, MUST READ
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It’s for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
i'm sorry, they are getting even longer...
hey so um before all of this, i just want to say again that i really really don’t want you to feel any obligation whatsoever to do all of this emotional labour just for my sake (even though I appreciate it!!). i hope that if you’re continuing to talk to me about this that you’re getting something out of it too. most people in my life can’t handle this much text from me, and if that’s you, it’s no big and I still like you and want to chat about other things :)
literally me, i had to switch to a split keyboard (and switch to Colemak) & trackball for work, if i play too many PC games and my chair isn’t set up perfectly ergonomically as well i can get into a lot of pain, but i still want to play them, so bleh. typing is generally less bad, luckily my laptop is pretty easy, but if i’m being honest it builds up for me over a few days and i’ve done a lot of typing in the past few days lol. that being said, I’m on my laptop lying in bed right now, not very ergonomic, but I can only really think when I’m lying down lol
just generally inhabiting a body is such a nuisance sometimes, i want to upload myself to the internet
good idea, i dm’d him, easiest way to be honest lol
yeah, i only started putting the pieces together about this yesterday, oof. sorry about that. 100% a me thing. i am finally starting to feel that feeling of “oh god how deep do the masks go?” as i’m realizing how much people pleasing i do, how much I think I know something about myself only to realize it’s more complicated than that etc. It’s cheezy, but I think I’d describe myself as an iceberg, where it just keeps going deeper and deeper the more I look under the surface. (and it’s probably best to avoid me
)
yeah, it’s complicated. some days i’m meh, some days i’m frustrated, but mildly, you know? is mild frustration really work all the work and pain and aftercare and risk? i have lots of thinking to do still, but it’s helpful to know what it’s like for you ty.
i’ll probably be a bit slower today. I tried working this morning but man I just can’t be f’d today. I am still thinking about our conversation Sunday, I really do appreciate it, I haven’t decided exactly what my next plan is, but for the time being I’ve decided to do as little work as possible and spend that time doing things I enjoy and dream about taking a month off to go on a train ride across the country. i should call in sick today lol and just spend the day on thinking about this, maybe i will
update: ok i called in sick lol
100% this hurts, every time it makes me feel really alone and like I am strange, like no one likes me, and it’s why I’ve been so hesitant to post at all even though I’ve been here for a year (well, that and I can’t handle mean comments, Reddit taught me never to post anywhere). i know the rational response is that it got lost in the confusing sea of posts, or they just don’t have anything to say, or they scrolled past. i guess i just fantasize about someone(s) who is literally me fr fr responding to all of my posts and nodding enthusiastically and adding their own perspective and telling me what they think I should do and it being kind of a Thing. uh, wait, I guess all of that is exactly what’s happening in this conversation actually. I’m living the dream!! Someone is actually listening to all of my thoughts and isn’t immediately running away from how many there are and how contradictory they are!!
lmao
god, if i could clone myself and just talk to her all day i absolutely would. that’s the best friend i need lmao. we could take turns working a dumb job too and no one would be able to tell … i shouldn’t fantasize about impossible things.
one of my aunts, who i do not talk to ever, used to call up everyone on her birthday, and ask them to wish her happy birthday. believe it or not, this wasn’t an act of passive-aggression from her, she just wanted to be cared for and was not afraid to ask for her needs. i think about this a lot, despite never wanting to see her again.
Safe Partner does his best, but even sometimes when I talk to him about an interest, he doesn’t really know how to reciprocate and match my energy, so I feel a bit lonely sometimes even though he is great in so many ways.
i worry about unbalanced relationships a lot, like what if i want to be closer to someone and they don’t? hard to tell sometimes what someone’s thinking. maybe they’re not sure about me, maybe they’re afraid too, maybe i’m coming on too strong, maybe i’m just broken and clingy. it’s led to me disappearing in all kinds of places before. i want to be more relaxed about this stuff, but i don’t know how. this is why i want to embrace the clone life. 3-way polycule between Safe Partner, me, and me please.
does it help you when people respond, even if they haven’t read the book/watched the show/played the game/thought about it? I’ve been wondering if that would be good enough for me.
damn, based, remind me to rant at you about programming languages and frameworks in the future, I have some infodumps stored up in my mind about gamedev, webdev, lol. maybe you can learn! (if you want) i taught basic webdev at college for a bit, felt so alive, so i’m happy to answer questions or walk people through things (this is one of the highlights of my job)
i slept on this, i’m more conflicted about this than I originally thought. sorry, you’re getting the raw uncertainty now!
today, the thought of actually trying to find people like me fr fr in meatspace seems impossible (and also fills me with a lot of conflicting emotions). i think that there’s probably like 8 people on the entire planet that i would tolerate that would tolerate me back and i don’t think they’re the kind of people that go out. plus i need to worry about what to wear, who is around, sensory issues, conversational pacing, needing to respond as soon as they say something instead of being able to take hours to think about it… yuck. long back and forth, like cyper-penpal stuff, feels good (you know, except … job, wrists, lack of sleep, lol), because it’s so flexible and i can really take my time to think, so maybe I’ll just stick around here for a while haha.
also: i’ve been to the university here once to see the uni orchestra play Mahler’s 1st when i first moved here, it’s kinda out of the way of downtown as unis tend to be. it was great, i loved it, but uh not much interest in going back
also: it was one telephone pole a couple years back, not sure how widespread it was, i didn’t even see it in person, Safe Partner sent me a pic lol when he was out
totally fair, i’m still not 100% sure what this need in me is, and what would fulfill it, i’ll let you know when i figure it out… it might be something completely unexpected once i get further unmasking, which is the worst part about rushing anything tbh. i have ended up in situations like first chapter of Orange Book due to strong emotions leading me into things too fast without any mediation, based on a misunderstanding of myself.
i have an absolute list of essays i want to write for bear site since you mentioned that i could even do that, it’s getting longer every day. but you can judge for yourself whether you think i am talkative, if uh this post even fits on one screen lol
gotta go long
smh rtstragedy being a DORK NERD again
This is pretty much my ideal form of conversation, if banging these out on a phone wasn’t hard I’d do it way more lol. Also though “it’s no big and I still like you and want to chat about other things :)” 
I just have a boring regular keyboard at a desk but it’s not sore. I should get out my Thinkpad to type from bed more…
(trans autistic people will say this)
Woah based, awesome. Like thanks dad, I do not need to know about the stuff you joink it to though.
This is a good thing to have put together though, cheesy or not! Putting stuff together is basically always good.
That’s so real, doing what you like, talking to internet dorks and daydreaming about long trainrides is such a better use of you time. We love to see it, don’t we folks?!
I think I would get annoyed at my own clone’s hyperfixated flights of fancy, lol. Two mes might be too much… Wow though that aunt was pretty cool in that one way, huh.
Oh god I just don’t think about this, I skate by on vibes. If I thought this shit through it would probably stress me to death. I sometimes try to gauge interest level from other people but most I am
It’s better than nothing, and if they wanna ask me stuff I can yap for hours. I do get irritated if nobody has seen THE THING but it’s not other people’s fault, I guess.
Okay but I outright cannot do math, the Commodore 64 User’s Manual is my sleep paralysis demon. Integers…
Y’know u rite, fuck irl meatspace. Cyber penpals gang.
Oh god I’m so sorry, this wins MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE READ TODAY award
my condolences…
spoiler
lol i find this endearing tbh, but for real I can relate a lot to Maria’s inner dialogue in Orange Book, she has that dorky energy for real. Her inner monologue about meeting Steph on the roof and thinking that lighting her cigarette would be patriarchal is so good lmfao, i don’t smoke but i can 100% relate to that scene anyway
but thank you :) i’ve had a lot of bad experiences because someone got fed up with me talking too long or too late so i mediate and shorten my thoughts a lot. and of course, i want to be fair and accommodating as well.
haha yeah, sometimes i don’t have a thing grabbing my attention at all and i just feel dead, so it’s nice to have internet friends i can chat with
damn that’s sick, the trackpads on laptops arent great for me and i’m picky about the feel of a keyboard (mushy = no typey) since i type so much lol, i also need a light touch keyboard, so my split keyb is as light as i could get full-size switches to be, but i still use the laptop keyboard in bed more
i hate being in my office since it’s a “work” place (how fucked up is that?! i pay for that room!!!)
sometimes he uh … overshares, i do NOT want to hear him talk about Stellar Blade, actually, I try to change the subject fast yikes
(if it was literally anyone I wasn’t related to, I have basically 0 boundaries about basically anything in telling or hearing, btw)
i would have quit yesterday if i didn’t have a several thousand dollar per month mortgage lol, or maybe even a year ago, i feel so free today now that I gave up on pretending to care for work, but still have to work out the finances haha
i hear you, i get really really emotional about internet things. i hope it’s not too weird, i’m glad to hear it’s not just me
frick hexbear’s 504 issue is so bad i want to Direct Neural Link (that’s a thing I just made up) you so that i dont have to refresh over and over to chat lol, i’m terrified of losing a big post one of these times
WHAT A GOOD POST OMG I AM SO GLAD I CALLED IN SICK TODAY SO THAT I COULD READ THAT i wrote a lot of words as a response, god your writing made me feel things, I haven’t even read the story but I still really enjoyed reading it!!!
damn is this normal? i have been missing out
hmmmmmm this is kind of a good idea tbh, maybe i shouldn’t worry about it. i guess i care about people like a super lot and want to be the Best Person Ever for them, so I am worried about how they think and feel in order to be decent. Some of that is probably problematic for my own needs though
I hope as a substitute, you will accept me talking about a related thing this time instead :)
but, tbh, I like your recommendations, everything I’ve gotten into because of you has been so cool so far, so I’m looking forward to more once I work through the current batch.
I’m pretty sure I have some form of dyscalculia, tbh. Luckily the programming I do is mostly not math, just logic, and categorizing things, so I get by. When I have to do mental math I start sweating and my minuses and plusses and multiplies and divides get all mixed up, and when I have to do math in code I fucking die lol, coding games is tough for me, mostly I just find someone else’s solution or a library to do the math for me.
(Also, I did do BASIC on a C64 when I was tiny (whatever short form makes sense for my name) and I fucking hated it tbh. Most modern programming languages are way easier to work with)
also sleep paralysis gang yoooo i used to sleep on my stomach and wake up suffocating and unable to move lmao. then i had surgery to get my gall bladder out and for some reason i went from 4 or 5 times a week to like 1 or 2 times every few months. how tf does that work?
fuck yes
yep totally, fuck irl meatspace tbh
I have a rough draft of one I’m working on. I want to get screenshots. It’s going to take some time. I’m going to go all out, and I bet no one will read it lmao. But I will. Maybe you will.
spoiler
I almost always mean DORK and NERD as endearing :3 But yeah, one of the things that’s great about Maria is she genuinely believes she is hardcore and cool and aloof and stuff, but you tear back one layer and actually she’s a nerd plus punk albums, lmao.
It’s good to keep being accommodating and fair in mind, I do appreciate it, but also no worries!
I keep knowing autistic transfemmes who are apologetic about talking too much…
The “refreshing your inbox staring into the void” vibe, lol. INBOX, SHOW ME THE QUEERS IN MY COMPUTER!!!
Pretty fucked up, not a fan. Someone should do something about this
And yeah trackpads suck, but I was raised on old laptops so it’s nothing to me lol. I am not a normal computer user…
It’s definitely not but I try to normalise it everywhere I go. Not everybody can do it, these giant replies, but I think autistic people (and everybody else) should be free to yap neurodiversely. I love to see it.
Oh no
you gotta record your ramblings so he can listen back lol, that’s brutal though. It does make me sad when neuro… diversities? are incompatible? 
Safe Partner is supposed to be NT I thought, but to me this feels like an ‘autism and adhd people have difficulties’ kinda thing.
Yeah I’m not saying like, never care about these sorts of things, but I think you should just try to look at how the other person is interacting and what they’re saying, do they seem like they’re having difficulties? If no dw about it, I guess. You can ask maybe, but Idk.
YES
Post it in the games comm and stuff, and then @ me and I will read your thingy :3
spoiler
totes, that’s how i took it. i cant describe why i like the feeling of people i trust poking fun at me a little bit, but it’s a good feeling for me. this counts for that imo
noted, haha, and i’m not surprised by that, people who talk a lot probably cluster together, and you’re either apologetic about it or you’re not, i guess?
lol yep, when i dont have something i literally just feel dead and like everything is pointless. learning that I should be doing something SI-related pretty much every day is helping.
oh wow, i want to hear more about that!!
tbh it might be autism
i have an absolute burning desire to share my innermost secrets with anyone who will listen, if they give me permission lol (and probably not in a public forum), but there are a couple of things that i would count as exceptions - and they are all about positive feelings like sex or liking people too much or other things i’ll share later when i’m ready lol
yep, still not really sure what to do, still processing everything
OH MY GOD, THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS. yes, i remember everyone’s name on here (actually it’s easier with pfps) and there are certain people i love to death and if they were ever mad at me, like actually mad, not mad that i’m being stupid, i would 100% cry
lmao i mean it though, your writing is good. loved the way you expressed it, you must have worked really hard on that!!
thank you!
i’m diagnosed ADHD, suspected autism, which would make me AuDHD I guess. He is … well, he scores low on most of the tests (yes I have made him do a lot of them), but he also does the classic thing where he questions every question and needs more context in order to answer them. He’s like the meme of “no, i do not struggle wearing socks, for i have a System” and he scored pretty high on the RAADS-R, but none of the other ones. He doesn’t do a lot of social things and is pretty quiet, I want him and magi to talk as I think the two of them would have a lot in common lol but he’s not much of an online talker, more likes . But who knows, it’s also possible that my rambling is so incoherent (lol I’m curious as to what you’d think of my speech style if you heard it tbh) that it’s really really difficult to follow.
i will try
you suffer so i can read about Maria and be like “literally me fr fr except the heroin lol”
I got my start in Visual Basic, and I made chatbots for a precursor to Second Life called Active Worlds. I spent a lot of time there because that’s where my friends were, and being able to show them the cool things I made was a huge factor in it.
I’m not sure what kind of language I’d recommend to start, maybe I’d divide it out into a few categories…
Game Stuff
App Stuff
Web Stuff
These are the languages I actually know, a star denotes I use it at work:
I never learned Fortran, or COBOL. I have no desire to lol. I taught myself to code in like 6th grade, the first app I made was a dumb calculator app in Visual Basic 5 because I hated doing math lol and it was easy. No one around me cared when I showed them, lol. “i made an app pls respond” was my life when I was young, but eventually I had a couple friends online that would be like “cool” sometimes. That little acknowledgement carried me through :) I’m sure programming is impossible for some people to learn, maybe even the majority of people, but I hope that if you want you can find a way to make learning it work for you, and I am happy to help when I am able.
Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is … if you want to learn, there’s a huge amount of variability in difficulty based on what kind of thing you’re doing, and surprisingly little of it needs you to sweat out an algebraic formula. I got my start making games, and if you’re interested in Godot (+GDScript, nice easy language to learn, and Godot includes a visual editor and all sorts of stuff) you can search it up on YouTube or read through the really nice documentation (and I can give specific recs if desired). Of course, have to keep expectations low at first, even just getting a game running where you can move around an empty void is a big deal!! And I recommend 2d instead of 3d, at least at first, especially if math hard, since the 2d math is way easier. If you see the word Quaternion, you should run screaming. It’s a big scary math thing, I hate them, I hate them I hate them I know why they are used but I Hate Them. I interact with them as little as possible. lucky that most frameworks let you be like
player.rotation.rotateY(playerRotationSpeed)lol so you don’t need to do dumb cross products and matrix multiplication. There are a lot of scary math things in 3d gamedev, but engines can hide some/most of that from you and the rest you might be able to just search up online.I’ve been working on a couple projects in Rust lately, I think that it may be a bit overwhelming to someone with less experience, but I’m happy to share it with you anyway if you’d like! (the dumb Link to the Past ripoff I’m working on is like 6000 lines of code lmfao I was doing 12 hour days on it earlier this year, but I’m too stubborn to use libraries when I could write things myself. It BARELY DOES ANYTHING lmfao why did I write a level editor?! Tiled exists and is free!). I mostly write code for the joy of writing it, it’s like building Lego for me, the end product isn’t as important.
lol that’s funny, where I’m from you’re supposed to be wearing thigh-high socks, cat ears, running Arch Linux on an old Thinkpad, and coding in Rust. I finally just got my programmer socks in the mail (not joking) lol.
ah frick, text limit again, i’ll finish in another reply
thicc replies
I dunno, here I guess “dork” and “nerd” are so harmless? They don’t even have negative definitions really. So using them that way is kinda funny I guess :3
God I sure fucking hope so, and I want them to apologise less for it.
What really? Uh I dunno, most of my laptops as a kid were Walmart specials, old donated thinkpads or netbooks. Intel
Graphics were the bane of my existence, and due to autism clumsiness I ended up killing several with spilt liquids. The fifth one, a Thinkpad E530 from highschool, is actually still around despite brutal treatment.
Okay this is good to know, I was wondering if I had done something weird when you kept saying ‘oops never once said that to anyone before’ and similar, but if you just wanna share stuff that seems pretty good to me
Same same, and yeah I feel you. Often I find myself frustrated and angry crying from online fights, but also
certain bearzone people I’d be pretty sad if they got mad at me haha.
Very nice, love to see it. Your boyfriend makes me laugh though, Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified maybe? His sock system… and huh, perhaps. Partner chatter…
Uh I have heard of Active Worlds, oh god wtf that’s too much programming stuff, oh god that’s horrifying. Only bits and pieces, if you wanna talk to me about programming we should do it in smaller messages sometime lol.
I’m not brave but the world needs more low level languages. Retvrn to assembly.
No, I will trip up on grade school arithmetic even. I am never going to do anything hobbyist or creative I will continue reading books.
Nah it’s okay I was 99% kidding. I’m not that worried though sleep paralysis sounds like hell.
spoiler
totes
i have put multiple phones through the washing machines, spilt so much shit on laptops. omg
classic, i think that qualifies for the programmer meme
yeah i like talking abut myself, people don’t generally make me feel comfortable like someone who is willing to go 20 replies deep with me does (it’s been really rare to have that experience though, i can’t think of another time tbh…)
if you’re worried about something, i don’t mind if you ask
extremely avoidant of fights of all kinds here
yep
i thought you might say that. i think it’s usually one or the other for me
I don’t know much about PDD-NOS (but it’s possible! I wouldn’t be surprised if he was some kind of ND, like maybe ADHD-PI), and the sock thing was an example, like he’ll ask a bunch of questions for each question lol and i just have to be like “idk that’s what it says.” I was confused earlier, he actually scored high on the RBQ-2A, not the RAADS-R. Tired.
maybe someday soon I will know the name. one book at a time and soon i’ll have read all the Ash canon…
really? I’m surprised that anyone younger than me knows about it tbh
oh, ok sorry. i probably got a little too excited, programming is my biggest thing lol. the only marketable skill/passion i have haha. maybe i’ll hold off @ you and if you have specific questions you can ask any time and i’ll try to keep it concise?
fuck, i feel called out by this. this is the biggest reason i can’t make anything creative. i force myself just to remake existing things because even if i do have an idea it gets way too big. remaking things is good for building my skills, it’s not like i need to care about copyright or anything if it’s just for me to get better.
i feel that tbh, basic arithmetic requires so much mental energy and it sucks. all the time when i’m at work and some easy math thing comes up, i’ve always been like 10 seconds behind everyone trying to count (jfc i can’t subtract 2 numbers in my head). luckily someone else is usually faster and says the answer out loud, so i can follow at least. i can spend an hour trying to figure out how to write a simple date comparison, and still get it wrong, its bad. i don’t know how people actually think i’m good at my job. percentage calculations?? “easy” multiplication? bitwise operators? anything involving a negative sign? i’ll fuck it up, it’ll go to production, and people will get mischarged. yes, this happened… sigh… i did so bad in math because of it, i also did so bad in english because i couldnt write essays. i have only one skill, no degree in it (flunked out of college, also was transitioning at that time tbf), just work experience and confidence.fuck, this kinda made me sad actually, sorry. i don’t mean to imply anything about your abilites with this, i’m only just realizing that there’s a name for this kind of thing and thinking out loud for myself.idk about this paragraph on retrospect, probably comes across wrong, sorry
oh, you were being figurative, probably, about the sleep paralysis demon… lol
spoiler
The E530 is kind of a dogshit thinkpad but
I have three or four thinkpads lol. I do not code however
It is easier here because the average hexbear is miles above the average internet denizen for quality. Decent people here imho, especially the queer ones.
I once spent a whole week writing about a romance novel, that was 6500 words. But generally I get on an “infodump roll” and it all comes cascading out in a day or two lmao. That’s how my most sincere writing happens…
Sigh, I approve of Questions Man tbqh. Nice!
Not Rummfitt, her book sucks lmao. One of the worst horror novels I have read.
I mostly heard about it as an inexplicable artifact honestly. I think it’s also the only active software using Renderware anymore?
Yeah I dunno, I’ll probably never be able to do it, it’s whatever. I do appreciate that you wrote so much out though, I did read everything fwiw.
Kind of sucks, at least remaking things is good practice though. And you have ideas even if they get too big, that’s something.
Nah I thought it was fine, don’t worry. I guess I have some kind of lingering shit around not just reactionary postsecondary institutions but also educational/academic ability generally.
yeag :)
spoiler
okay, this is going to be a short reply since i’ve been blowing your inbox up for 2 (3? how does time?) days now and i’m sure you want to be doing other things too lol
lol yep, i have a sippy cup water bottle that Partner bought for me, i have dropped it SO MUCH, on SO MANY keyboards lmfao i’m pretty sure i’m a brain transplant. i refuse to have anything with an open top on my desk (coffee mug also has a sealing lid)
thats cool as shit, i dont know individual Thinkpad models but i would 100% read/listen to an infodump on it.
my take on this is that if someone is willing to put up with this much from me, that i should appreciate them and try to fight my own fears of being seen as my real self, push past my mask and try and be as honest as possible. so, thank you (and also i agree, wtf, barely anyone lets me finish omg, or i can tell they’re not listening, or they’re overwhelmed. bah, text-based communication it is for me)
yeah, agree. i learned not to post back in my 4chan days, and from no one responding to me on Facebook. this place good. i have an absolute cutie in my inbox right now talking to me about Castle of the Winds and it is precious i love it i have to respond
absolutely. i think i got the text done for a post that i’m sure no one will read lol, and while i was working on the boring bits and framing devices slowly over the past few days, i got really emotional about all of it today and wrote something absolutely heart-wrenching (to me), and suddenly the entire post changed from something about a dumb game into something really really deeply personal that i didn’t even know i was feeling until I started crying lol. just need to get all the screenshots together which i’ll do tonight (gotta move my PC from the living room to the dining room where my non-office desk is on the table lol). ready to receive 2 upvotes and 0 replies! lol. (gotta keep those expectations ankle high so that i’m not disappointed … or something) (i really hope it doesn’t turn out like the Skyrim thread, oh god)
he actually got a whole bunch of dental work done yesterday and he came home a totally different person - he feels alive to me again. i’m not able to talk today so we’re chatting over text lol, i didn’t realize how much the dental stuff was weighing on him over the past few months (neither did he) poor guy. so nice to have him back
noted. at this point, i’d probably just ask you about a book before i started reading it, we clearly have similar tastes
active? wow! it’s still around? i’m not going back, but that’s right i remember it having a little scripting language and trying to figure out how to load rwx models into my own games. i couldn’t get a bootleg dev kit for renderware or else i would have used it for my AW clone, lol. all of the completely stupid copycat things i’d build had vgmusic .mid s playing in them to to really sell the vibe. and random teleports when you click on things. magical.
thank you for saying that, i hope … idk which outcome for you, but i hope you can feel good about it no matter the outcome, whether you can or can’t, or do or don’t, you know? or at least make peace with it? i’m messed up still about some stuff i want to do but can’t too, i don’t know how to be ok about it. i rant about this further down.
aside, i’m in a meeting right now where people are talking about security & compliance “review” (ie. one guy at the company becoming defacto yet another barrier to actually doing my job) for every line of code and i just want to die, i hate programming lol, i tried to do anything else in college like medicine, psychology… did horribly. i would love to switch careers, maybe become a medical lab tech or the person that takes blood or something.
totally, but the “big ideas” are rare and i usually tear them up anyway because they don’t feel authentic, like i’m copying someone else, or assembling things together, or i don’t like it the next day. i’ve given up kinda on being any kind of artist except something like a raccoon, stringing together trash and memes into a slurry (do raccoons do this?), and even that feels unauthentic, like some kind of defense mechanism. idk, i clearly am conflicted about many things haha.
i may not know exactly what you’re referring to (other than your previous comment) but i definitely feel a bit of that. the only courses i could do well in were electrical engineering ones in highschool (i liked breadboarding & soldering a lot, it’s really just a stim, you place the chips, figure out how to run the wires, cut the wires, put them in the right spots, line everything up nice and neat…, except i was slow and exhausted all the time lol because boolean logic and binary addition is kinda math, isn’t it?), or programming related. essays? can’t write them (i know right?! i am writing a billion words right now). math? like running a marathon. ask me to read The Road (college literature course required for a degree that i fucking flunked and re-took 3 times and still failed)? can’t get past the second chapter, and definitely not with all the other courses. I have a brain made for programming, adventure games, IQ tests (which are fucking stupid … ugh, I don’t have the words to describe them), and queer fiction, but not much else. “gifted” my ass
once, a teacher shouted at me, in front of my parents (who were across the country, so over the phone) for “not trying.” i literally didn’t even remember this until my mom mentioned it a few weeks ago, i must have disassociated out of the galaxy lol.
uhh, anyway, if you want to share anytime feel free
…shit, i literally cannot write a short post.
oh no!! I didn’t mean to put this fear on you. I think it was the surgeries when I was young, something funky broke in my brain from the general anesthetic. That’s not more comforting, isn’t it… :/
I am working on it a little bit each day. It’s gonna have screenshots! It’s gonna be badly written! It’s probably gonna hit the text limit (well, actually, that depends)
oh, one more thing, there’s also some games that will secretly teach you programing… most of the Zachtronics games are like this and usually have little interesting stories too. Safe Partner recommends Human Resource Machine as well but I havent played it.
That being said, sorry I got ahead of myself, I am not sure what your experience level is like, should have asked first.