___I also recently had a run in with a homeless man. He told me to give him money because “he didn’t want to have to steal it.” I thought he was implying he would rob me. He was frail and either on hard drugs or had had a lifetime of being on hard drugs, I could have K.O.'d him in one swipe and I’m usually very aggressive when someone does something even mildly threatening to me but something about him and his energy made me want to be compassionate even if it might be seen as risky.

He was nearly unintelligible due to being high but I could tell he was smart albeit very uneducated, very wise with a lot of soul. I pieced together he just recently got out of prison after being locked up for years and years due to gang activity, he got out and became homeless and eventually a rival gang shot him (he had a 1-3 day old gunshot wound in his torso he showed me), none of his friends family or even fellow gang members showed up to visit him in the hospital. He forgot how long he had been wandering aimlessly around.

He wouldn’t look me in the eye when I was asking him something so I asked him to look me in the eye and tell me he was telling the truth. He shot at me the hardest, saddest stare I’ve ever seen in my life. He cycled through flashing all of his gang signs and swore on them, his life, his mom. On the surface he was imitating bravado from his youth, belligerence, but I could see he was deeply hurt, that he gave everything to this gang out of desperation and lost it all tenfold and now their ways are all he has left. He was hurt that I thought he was robbing him and I didn’t trust him, I explained that unfortunately I want to trust him but I can’t. I gave him a cigarette and all my cash tips and I honestly don’t even care if he spent it on drugs or alcohol, if my life was half like that I would have done the same.

I wrote my phone number on a receipt and gave jt to him. He had a stranger he ran into call me later to give him a ride. Me and my friend and his gf I’m visiting were about to do a group activity and they told me not to, that he’s crazy, that it’s a dangerous and a bad idea, that he’s taking advantage of me, that I need to set boundaries etc. I ended up not giving him a ride but telling him I could give him a ride the next day…he never called again.

Maybe it would have ended badly. But I just feel like it wouldn’t have. No I can’t save everybody in the world, no everybody is not “my responsibility,” but I connected with him and I deeply regret letting them talk me out of it. It’s sad but at this point I relate to homeless people more than I do almost anybody else. I also know I could be in that same position very easily if just one or two of my life circumstances changed…which would be worse, that me failing this man led to me similarly being disappointed when I am in desperate need for help? Or me getting the help I would need and living to know that I got to coast along and survive and he didn’t? I am deeply disturbed. I keep returning to the spot I ran into him and pacing around and silently sitting there. I just don’t feel like I want life while people like that are treated like walking trash. I’m honestly surprised nobody called the cops on him. God forbid you look like a shambling menace because life chewed you up and spit you on on some street.